Listening

Its 4am and I sit a room away listening to the breaths of my youngest child. Sitting here, keeping watch over her as she sleeps. Her fever broke earlier and you could hear the change in her breathing as her tiny body slipped into a deep restful sleep. A calm over her and the rapidness of her breathing slowed into a nice peaceful pattern. A few hours later and without checking I knew the fever had returned. I could hear that it was back. She's now fighting to stay asleep, closing her eyes tightly, and breathing heavy, fast, and labored with the rising of her fever. So, I sit counting respirations, heart rates, and checking temps, willing her to find rest although her body is sickly.

Frustrating thing for my Ashley is that she has only inches of bowel. 3 to be exact and absorption of meds doesn't really happen. We attempt to give them, but nothing really happens with them since there is technically no existing bowel in which absorption can take place. So she's fighting the fight without assistance so to speak and the body in which her Creator designed is doing exactly as it is supposed to. Its mounting its response to the invasion by raising her temperature in an effort to kill off the foreign invader. Simply amazing to think about.

Our hope is that in a few days this will all pass. Its unlikely in her immune suppressed state that it is only going to be here for a few days, but we can always hope. We are also hopeful that her central line is clear of infection. We won't know that for sure for until we are given an all clear from her blood cultures, but again we can hope. They are currently growing out at the lab down the street.

Knowing Ash is sick, confirmation that she indeed has a bug, just brings a feeling of defeat to our home. We all kind of walk around with a heaviness as we long to listen to her laughter and wish to see her up and playing rather than lying still so lethargic and weak. I wish I could protect her from ever becoming ill, but its impossible. We are so careful with her and she is kept as safe as possible, but the world around us is full of germs and what the rest of us can fight off proves to be too much for her. Makes my heart sad.

Anyway, we are hoping this will pass without slipping into anything bigger or getting her into other areas of trouble. She is definitely more comfortable in her bed than any where else and so as long as she remains stable this is where she will stay.

I hear a change in her breathing pattern again. Its seems as though she may have drifted back into a restful pattern. I'm going to close my eyes for a few minutes and hope that neither of us wake again until the sun is shining.