Big Girl

We've all noticed the past few days just how big our little gherkin has become. She is growing up before our eyes. Her appearance, her actions, her signs, her behaviors...all so very grown up. I'm amazed at how good life can be even when its really not all that good. Make any sense at all? Probably not, but in my world it makes perfect sense. Life is good today although I know her tomorrows aren't going to be and I'm grateful for today. For all the smiles, the giggles, the hugs, the kisses, the play, and the cuddles. It was a precious day at our house.

After months and months of delay and absolute denial I have finally placed our developmental packet in an envelope and addressed it to our transplant team. Tomorrow, God willing, I will place it in the mailbox and then it will truly be out of our hands. I'm not ready for answers. Not ready for finality. Not ready for what they have to say. I've come to the conclusion that I will never be ready for any of this. We've been home with Ash for 9 months now. 9 months that I never knew we would be given. In the last 9 months I have cried a river of tears, shared a load of burden, prayed myself out of words, and finally I am at a place that I just am. I wake up every day and I live this life with our gherkin and I keep keeping on despite the uncertainty. I busy myself taking care of her, playing with her, and loving on her. Its a good life. A life I never want to change.

Ashley Kate is growing up to be a big girl. We are growing up together on this journey, and I love her so, so much. Every day a little more than I ever thought possible.