Some days its overwhelming. It just is. I'm fighting back tears as I finally make it back home from a LONG day in Shreveport. When its over 100 degrees outside and you have to move your almost 6 year old daughter in and out of her car seat into her chair 8 times it not only leaves you breathless it causes the tears to fall. I just can't help it.
On the drive home I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for being so exhausted by the whole process because I realize that I would do this, this exact day, as exhausting as it has been, a THOUSAND times over if it means that Ashley Kate is still here. I would. So I'm having an internal battle between my emotions and my exhaustion and all I could do was cry although it doesn't change the fact that Ash can't walk and she can't get into the car or out of the car or do any of the things that the rest of us take for granted every single day.
Seriously I don't understand why a hospital parking lot will have 12 physician parking spaces all up front and ONLY 2 handicap spaces? How can that even be consider ok when designing the place? I finally parked illegally behind a fast food restaurant ACROSS the street and stood on the corner of Kings Hwy in Shreveport attempting to cross traffic with my medically fragile daughter in her wheel chair. It took 20 minutes to get across. By the time I made it into the building to her appointment with her new physicians the last thing I needed to be told as the sweat dripped off my face was that the referral was NEVER even sent. Please don't tell me that she can't be seen without it or I am going to sit in the middle of this waiting room floor and cry my eyes out because I am that exhausted. I am.
It was a hard day. Its hot outside. Lifting 50 pounds in and out and in and out in 100 degree weather does not make life easy, but like I said I'd do it a thousand times over. I really would even though it makes me cry. Days like today cause her disabilities to loom over me and weigh heavily on my spirit. I never dreamed she would be 6 and unable to walk. It never even crossed my mind and today it brought me to tears.