I'm sitting here in my bed with this computer on my lap watching the smallest, truly barely more than microscopic, bug moving in circles in front of me. I'm amazed at how something so small has captured my attention at this hour. There is no way other than this exact circumstance with the light from the screen behind it that I would have ever seen such a small creature. As I watch him( I have no idea why I just assume he is a him) move around the screen I've become overwhelmed by the belief that the God of all creation knows exactly where this tiny creature is tonight. I even happen to believe that He knows not only where it is but also how it got here and what its purpose is. Funny to me to think that God cares enough about His creation, even the smallest parts of it, to keep up with "my" bug tonight.
Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm confused about how God works. Maybe I'm wrong. I really don't know for sure, but in my world it makes sense to me to believe that God is involved in the details of my life. Even the small ones. It helps me feel safe in unsafe circumstances. It helps me feel loved when my world is falling apart. It helps me feel close when my heart is lonely as I begin to wonder if anyone, anywhere, has ever been in this place that I am in.
And...maybe I'm really, really far off base with my belief...but...its carrying me at this time. I'll admit to all of you that I'm tired and I need to be carried from time to time. My mind is tired, and my heart is heavy, and my being, the inside of who I am, the me part of me, hurts so deeply when I slow down long enough to try and figure this mess out that I NEED to believe that God knows all about "my" little bug tonight and that if He knows all about him then surely He knows all about my sweet Ashley. About her liver. About her kidneys. About her central line. About her venous structure. About her silence. About her struggle. About her.
Since He is aware of my sweet Ashley then He must be aware of her mommy and her daddy and how confused we are and how unsure we feel and how lost we are when we stare into the face of the decisions we are too afraid to make. Too afraid to say out loud. Too afraid to acknowledge.
So tonight I'm going to keep watching my bug and I'm going to keep believing that God knows all about him because I need to believe that. I really do. Knowing that He cares about even the smallest of His creation brings me peace tonight as I struggle to sleep.