15

You would have been 15 today.  I can't.  Seriously, I can't wrap my mind around the thought of what today could have been...should have been? 

There was so much more I wanted...more photos...more memories...more laughs...more moments...more days...more years...more time.  I wanted you to live.  I wanted you to never leave.  I wanted you to survive.  I wanted to keep you home with us for a lifetime.  A much longer lifetime than your short 8 years.  

I'd like to think I've learned so much since your last birthday and yet I feel as though I haven't learned a thing. I long to see you.  Long to hold you.  Long to keep you.  Still, I know that He alone is sovereign.  I am not.  He alone held your future in His hands.  I did not.  He knew the number of your days here and I had no idea what that number was going to be.  He gave to you each and every breath you breathed including those you desperately struggled for in your last moments.  I was helpless to give you another or to ease the struggle you were fighting.  My heart is comforted and yet shattered by those truths.  He loved you.  He did.  So much more than I can even fathom, and its because I KNOW that to be true that I must convince myself that His plan was right.  It was best.  It was for you. Not to harm you for another moment but to ease your suffering and your pain.  It was merciful. It was loving.  It was what He chose for you.  I wan't to kick and scream and fight for you to still be here, but what could I give to you that would ever compare to what He has done for you? I can't even imagine all that you see, and do, and know now.  

I take comfort in knowing that your pain is no more.  I couldn't take the suffering from you, but He could and He did.  As much as my heart still bears the scars of that suffering I am grateful that He loved you enough to end it. 

So on this day that we should have celebrated your 15th year, I instead celebrate that you are whole. You are in His presence.   No more tears.  No more pain.  No more scars. No more fear.  No more my precious girl.  You will never know those things again.  If I could have given you anything on this day it would have been this. I love you sweet Ash.  Love you even more today as the calendar keeps changing from year to year.  Never have I ever stopped.  You were the most beautiful gift.  The gift of a lifetime. Nothing will ever compare to the treasure we had while we had you.  

Happy Birthday Ashley Kate, your mom loves you kid.