Eighteen

Sweet Ash its your 18th birthday today. I mean it would have been your 18th. Could have been your 18th. If only things had gone differently. 10 years out from the last birthday we celebrated together and I still don't have the answers, the understanding, or the ability to make it all make sense in my head. Or my heart. I try so hard to imagine who you would be today. What would you look like. How much would you have grown. What would you have learned, mastered or accomplished by now. I just can't see any of that. What I do see though is your beauty. I remember it. Your breathtaking beauty that to this day causes me to pause as I stare at the photos of you. Oh sweet girl you were so beautiful. Not just your outward beauty but your soul that shined through your eyes and caused us all to catch our breath in your presence. God created you with such a spirit inside of you that it spilled out all over us. I so desperately miss seeing the very essence of who you were through your eyes. Today was a mix of hard and beautiful. Tears were shed. Hearts ached. Arms longed for you. Dad and I pushed ourselves again this year to make sure we honored your life to the best of our ability. On a day that we could so easily hide from the world and privately remember you we chose to open the door and step into what we felt God leading us to do. The emotions we feel as we plan and prepare for your birthday each year are so tough to feel. Sometimes I wish that I could numb my heart from the hurt, but still I am determined to celebrate your life. Regardless of the emotional cost... I share you. I share your life. I share your story. You were ours but I learned early on in your life that you weren't just ours. Your life was meant for something bigger. From the moment we chose to share you with the world I watched as your story began to change it. Hearts were touched. Lives were changed. Eternity became real. Your story led others to His story. What a legacy. Such a tiny girl that God used in so many lives. I'm so blessed to have been your mom. I'm so proud of who you were. I'm so grateful. Undeserving of you, but humbled to have been allowed to love you and take care of you. I'll never get over it. Happy Birthday Ashley Kate. You are so loved my girl. So very loved by us all. I miss you kid and look forward to the day that I will see you again. Until then... Forever loved... forever missed...forever eight.