Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart



You would have been 15 today.  I can't.  Seriously, I can't wrap my mind around the thought of what today could have been...should have been? 

There was so much more I wanted...more photos...more memories...more laughs...more moments...more days...more years...more time.  I wanted you to live.  I wanted you to never leave.  I wanted you to survive.  I wanted to keep you home with us for a lifetime.  A much longer lifetime than your short 8 years.  

I'd like to think I've learned so much since your last birthday and yet I feel as though I haven't learned a thing. I long to see you.  Long to hold you.  Long to keep you.  Still, I know that He alone is sovereign.  I am not.  He alone held your future in His hands.  I did not.  He knew the number of your days here and I had no idea what that number was going to be.  He gave to you each and every breath you breathed including those you desperately struggled for in your last moments.  I was helpless to give you another or to ease the struggle you were fighting.  My heart is comforted and yet shattered by those truths.  He loved you.  He did.  So much more than I can even fathom, and its because I KNOW that to be true that I must convince myself that His plan was right.  It was best.  It was for you. Not to harm you for another moment but to ease your suffering and your pain.  It was merciful. It was loving.  It was what He chose for you.  I wan't to kick and scream and fight for you to still be here, but what could I give to you that would ever compare to what He has done for you? I can't even imagine all that you see, and do, and know now.  

I take comfort in knowing that your pain is no more.  I couldn't take the suffering from you, but He could and He did.  As much as my heart still bears the scars of that suffering I am grateful that He loved you enough to end it. 

So on this day that we should have celebrated your 15th year, I instead celebrate that you are whole. You are in His presence.   No more tears.  No more pain.  No more scars. No more fear.  No more my precious girl.  You will never know those things again.  If I could have given you anything on this day it would have been this. I love you sweet Ash.  Love you even more today as the calendar keeps changing from year to year.  Never have I ever stopped.  You were the most beautiful gift.  The gift of a lifetime. Nothing will ever compare to the treasure we had while we had you.  

Happy Birthday Ashley Kate, your mom loves you kid.  


14 Today

Sweet Ash today would have been your day.  Your 14th birthday had you been allowed to stay.  How very fitting that the moment I opened my eyes this morning I could hear the rain falling outside my window and with tears rolling down my cheeks I smiled.  Smiled because you loved the rain.  You loved the feel of it on your tongue... your skin...your clothes.  You would sit outside and let the drops drench you without a worry in the world.  It never mattered to you that you were getting wet.  You simply loved the way it felt.  I considered the rain this morning to be a gift.  A gift for your birthday.

You've now spent 6 of your birthdays away from our home.  I'd like to imagine you were celebrated and surrounded by souls who loved you today, but I know better than that.  My belief in Heaven and the little I think I know about it does not support those thoughts.  Still I know that you felt loved.  I believe you spent your day in the presence of God and He loves you.  I know with everything inside of me that He does.  So you were loved today.  I guess I'm just selfishly hoping that you felt our love today too.  Silly I know, but its so very hard as your mom to not wish that you still felt loved by all of us here too.  You are still loved Ashley Kate.  Every moment of your life and every moment since your eternal life began you have been loved by all of us. 

I've stopped trying to imagine you at these ages you never lived to be.  I've settled inside my heart, along with your daddy, that we will always see you and know you as the eight year old beauty that you were.  We will always see you as the little girl we knew and loved and nurtured to the very best of our ability.  How I wish we had been given more than those 8 years with you, but we didn't get to decide how long you would live.  That decision was made by the One who created you.  I didn't get to have a say.  Still how very blessed am I that I got to be the one you knew as your mom.  I'll forever be grateful for that.  I didn't deserve you, but I was given you to love and be loved by for a while. 

We spent today celebrating you.  Your life and what we learned from you.  We spread joy and kindness and happiness to those we came into contact with.  We gave gifts in your memory to friends and strangers whom our paths crossed with today.  We cried and struggled our way through today too.  The longing to spend our days with you, especially your birthday, has not gone away.  I know that it never will.  I'm ok with the tears.  Its part of who I have become since you've left.  There is a hole inside of me that aches.  A silence in my world that screams inside of me now that your laughter is no longer heard to fill it.  I missed you today.  I missed kissing your cheeks the very moment you woke.  I missed singing happy birthday to you in those early morning hours and watching the smile of recognition spread from your eyes to your lips. I missed hearing your tiny voice cheer in celebration as you woke and realized it was a special day.  I just simply missed you on what would have been your 14th birthday. 

My prayer is that the Father whispered into your ear this morning (since I could not) that "Mommy loves Ashley, and Daddy loves Ashley, and Blake loves Ashley, and Allie loves Ashley, and Jesus loves Ashley." That is what I truly asked Him to do today.  Tell you that we loved you.  Just as I ask Him every single day since you left for Heaven. I sincerely hope that you knew how very loved you were and still are. 

Happy 14th Birthday my beautiful girl.  I can only imagine all that your eyes beheld on this day.  I know you felt joy like I have never known simply because you were in His presence.  We love you Ash.  Today and forever.     You will be forever loved...forever missed...forever eight.


We missed you this Christmas

We missed you this Christmas.
Your smile
The twinkle in your eyes

We missed you this Christmas
The fun of watching you cheer for each gift unwrapped
The excitement on your face

We missed you this Christmas
Your stocking hung
Daddy’s lap left empty

We missed you this Christmas
Gifts weren’t bought
A family photo can no longer be taken

We missed you this Christmas
Precious gift lost
Wish we had more time

We missed you this Christmas
It’s been 6 now without you
So hard to believe

We missed you this Christmas
It’s just not the same
Your joy is missing

Forever missing you Ashley Kate
Forever loving you and
Forever remembering you as eight

Merry Christmas sweet girl


How can it be 5 years already...

I wish I knew.

It seems like just yesterday she left us, and yet seems like a lifetime ago all at the same time.  We haven't seen her...

 or held her...

 or kissed her...

 or touched her...

 in 5 long years. 

How do you survive the death of your child? How do you wake up the next day, the next week, the next month, the next year?  I have no idea.  Honestly, I don't.  You feel as though you won't survive.  Your not even sure you want to survive, and yet somehow you keep breathing.  Even though breathing hurts, you keep doing it.  I'm 5 years into this grief journey that began the day our precious Ash stopped breathing and I am still searching.  Scratching and clawing my way through it.  Determined to make her life count.  Determined to not allow her to be forgotten.  Determined to speak her name daily so that she does not disappear from this world.  Determined to use what she taught me about living to make my time here matter.  Determined to hang on to my faith even on the days when I feel as though its gone.

The loss of Ashley Kate broke my heart.  It truly did.  It broke me in a way that cannot be healed outside the gates of  Heaven.

I'm still learning how to live with the burden of grief.  Its not an easy lesson to learn.  It doesn't come naturally.  I read somewhere along the way that grief is just love that no longer has any place to go.  I'm not sure how I feel about that statement, but sometimes it makes sense to me. 

5 years past her last morning with us I can tell you this one thing...I miss her.  I miss everything about her.  I still do.  I imagine I always will. She was the most precious thing I ever held.  She was beautiful.  She was happy.  She was so full of JOY. 

Ashley Kate, you are so loved.  My sweet girl I miss you more than words could ever convey.  How I wish we had been given more time with you.  You lived the life you were given more beautifully than any other person I've ever met.  You never once worried about your tomorrows.  You taught me more about God and His Power than anything.  I learned to trust His character even when I felt that what He was doing in our lives was unfair.  I'm still learning to lean on Him as I grieve for you my precious girl.  I love you.  I miss you.  Oh how I long to see you again. Until that day I'll keep clinging to my faith in Jesus.  You are forever loved...forever missed...forever eight.



  Ashley Kate,

Its 13 minutes past your 13th birthday, and as daddy and I talked about you today I thanked him for saying yes 13 years ago when I called him to let him know about the tiny baby girl who had been born.  He didn't hesitate for even a moment that day.  His response to my announcement was "Lets go get her."  I loved him for that.  In that very moment I loved him deeper than I ever had before.  I loved him for his willingness to love you.  Loved him for his faith that all would be ok.  Loved him for not questioning or doubting or faltering for the slightest moment even though we didn't have a plan and had no idea you were coming. When I told this story with your big sister tonight I smiled when I realized we had been married for 13 years when you arrived.  I guess the number 13 isn't so unlucky after all. 

I'll be honest and share with you that I never could imagine you at 13.  I never got that far.  10...I would lie awake and could picture you...12...I tried so hard when I closed my eyes at night to see you at that age...but 13 I never even dreamed. That truth breaks my heart.  I so wish I could have believed you would still be with us at this age, but I never did.  Somehow I think I knew somewhere inside me that your work in this life...your calling...your purpose would be fulfilled, and you would have already been called home.  The tears are slipping from my eyes as I see that thought spilled out in this letter I'm writing to you on this your 13th birthday. 

I wish you were here to turn 13.  I wish your story was still being told.  I wish I could know you at this age.  I wish more than anything that your journey in this life hadn't ended at just 8 years old.  My heart cries screams in a silence that only I can hear.  I wanted to hold on to you forever, but knew that I could not.  You were never mine to keep.  Only shared with us for such a short time. Still the knowing that your life was created to bring glory to Him does not ease the pain of losing you. I'm learning to trust that His ways are higher than mine just as he says.  Even though I do not understand Him I am choosing to trust Him.  He has you.  He is good. 

The most wonderful thing about your birthday today is knowing that this day would have brought you joy.  We spent this week concentrating on kindness and spreading joy to others.  Its become our birthday celebration in memory of you.   We learned so very much from you about joy.  We love you sweet girl.  We miss you more today than we did yesterday.  We have all been forever changed by knowing you. 

Happy Birthday my sweet Ashley Kate.  You would have made the most beautiful teenager. Your mom and dad love you more than words could ever convey.  I hope with all that is in me that you knew that and felt that every day of your life.   


Remembering Christmas' Past

Ashley Kate's last Christmas 

I've spent a lot of time this Christmas season thinking about the reasons behind the very difficult struggle that Christmas seems to bring since her passing.  I've searched my heart, my grief, my thoughts, and my memories as I've wondered why her absence seems so very magnified during the season.  Many things have come to mind as I thought back to our Christmas' with our precious Ashley.  Stories that I hadn't thought of in years, memories that I'd tucked deep inside my heart, and photographs of her that I hadn't looked through in a while all came tumbling to the forefront during my search for the reasons behind the hurt. Reasons other than the fact that her physical presence is no longer here with us.  

 Christmas has always been a favorite time of year for me.  I love the lights, the decor, the feeling of "home" that comes along with the season when our front door opens up and welcomes us in after being away for an afternoon out running errands, a day spent at the office, or a semester of school ending.  There is just something special about the way our house feels during this season.  December 2004 was just as special as all the other Decembers in our home.  Blake and Allison were 9 and 6 that year and the photographs and video show the excitement in their eyes and on their faces that Christmas day.   Christmas just becomes more amazing, more special, almost magical when you view it through the eyes of your own children. It had been a blessed day.  One I wanted to remember forever as Dave and I lay down for bed that evening.  As we lay there talking about all the things that made us smile that day I remember asking Dave if he had enjoyed Christmas that year and his answer was one I'll never forget.  "Yes! It was a great day, and I already know what I want for Christmas next year." That instantly made me giggle.  I thought to myself "he is such a kid!" and I LOVE that about my husband.  He keeps me laughing and smiling all the time and that night his answer was just what I had come to expect from him...except for just one thing... He wasn't finished with his answer...As I was still smiling from his response to my question He continued to say..."I wan't to find our baby. I'd like to have our 3 children together for Christmas next year."

That Christmas night of 2004 we were finally on the same page at the same time, and I lay there in the dark smiling ear to ear as tears were forming in the corners of my eyes.  After almost 13 years of being married, planning and raising our family, discussing how to grow our family, we had both arrived at the same place...finally.  That night we decided by Christmas 2005 we wanted to adopt the baby I had dreamed of for years.  I had no idea where "she" was that Christmas night or who she would be, but I believed in a God who loved me enough to give me the desire of my heart. That Christmas night I drifted off to sleep with dreams of what He would do in the life of our family over the next year.  

This memory is just one of the many that I think I discovered this season as to why I miss her so at Christmas time.  We dreamed of her that night, just the two of us laying there in our bed, already falling so in love with her even though we had yet to find her...but God knew who she was, when she was being conceived, how she would come to us, and the long but oh so beautiful journey her life would become.  As I type that last sentence the tears are falling from my eyes and running down my face because He also knew how her life would end although I did not.  He knew I would only have 7 Christmas seasons to hold my baby and see the joy and the sparkle in her eyes as the lights twinkled inside our home.  He already knew that Christmas 2012 would be her last one with us here, and oh how I wish I had known that too(this is something I have and still do really struggle with). He already knew how she would steal our hearts and change those hearts for the rest of our lives. 

Throughout Ashley Kate's life Christmas was one of the "if we can just get her to dates" that I kept track of in my mind.  I was always planning and looking ahead for a goal to get her to survive live long enough for.  It helped me get through the rough parts of her journey.  Having her home for Christmas was the dream.  To have all three kids together for Christmas was always the goal. It wasn't about the presents under the never has was about the feeling of having us all together.  It was about how Christmas felt knowing that all three of our children were tucked safe into their beds in our home those Christmas Eve nights.  Nothing brought me more peace during the season than that because I knew if she were home and not in a hospital bed that she was "alright" ...she was "safe".  Our world was alright because Ash was home were she belonged with Blake and Allison.  

Since Ashley Kate's death Christmas has been so very hard for all of us.  We have made an effort to make Christmas different for our kids, but yet still the same.  I'm not sure that I can explain it effectively enough. Our home looks the same, it is filled with twinkling lights, holiday photographs, the sights and sounds that have always welcomed us into the door, but it feels different too since she's no longer here.  The silence of her laughter is a sound that echoes now during the holidays.  Her joy is missing so blatantly on Christmas day so we now leave.  We plan holidays for our "adult" children away from our home on Christmas day.  Its become tradition these last 5 Christmas' since she left for us to be away.  She is never far from our thoughts and definitely in our hearts each Christmas, but we seem to shed less tears if we aren't sitting around our tree without her here.  We just arrived home last night from a beautiful Christmas holiday in Mexico with Blake and Allison. Our children are young adults now, and we have so enjoyed watching them grow up. 

 Christmas this year still hurt my heart more than I can truly share, but we laughed together and made new memories.  Christmas is so different without her here, but it is still a treasured holiday of warmth and togetherness for all of us.  We will never have another family photo that includes us all, and that hurts more than words can describe, but we are still a family.  We are still together, and I can truly say that I am blessed.  Broken forever but always blessed.  

So from our family to yours I pray  your holiday season was blessed.  Thank you for still being here with us.  Thank you for loving us as we navigate this world without her here.  Thank you for your prayers and shared well wishes.  Merry Christmas


Jealous of the Saints of Heaven Tonight

Since the early hours of this morning you've now spent 4 years in Heaven...and...

 I'm missing you today.

 I miss you every single day since you left, but today its a longing that has no end.

 I'm wondering what your doing.

 I'm imagining all that you are seeing.

 I'm wishing I could catch a glimpse of you in the place you now reside.

 I'm jealous of all the saints in Heaven tonight.

The first day of your eternal life was the very worst day of our current life.  How thankful I am that the pain you had to endure as your body lay dying has ended.  How very thankful I am that that part is over for you.  Never again will you feel pain.  Never will you fear.  Never will you cry.  Oh precious girl I am so very thankful for those truths.

Still we hurt from missing you.  We hurt from the recurring memories of those last days with you. We hurt from never having the ability to see your face, or hold your hands, or smell your sweet hair again.  This anniversary day of your homecoming is bitter and sweet for all of us.  Its never an easy day.  All four of us struggle through it.  Wishing so desperately that we hadn't lost you.  Wanting more than anything to have somehow saved you from your broken and failing body.  I wanted to spare you the pain of dying and spare your brother and sister the pain of watching you die.  I wanted so much to dry the tears that fell uncontrollably from your daddy's eyes.  I wanted to keep you safe and hold onto you forever.  I couldn't do any of those things.  You slipped from our arms into the arms of Jesus that morning and though the bitterness of death stole you away from us we believe that the sweetness of Heaven awaited your arrival.  How sweet to know that all the hurt ended that very moment.  How sweet to see that you no longer struggled for air to fill your lungs.  How sweet to imagine that as your last breath left your broken body your new life began and all of Heaven rejoiced to see you there.  

This day has been so difficult.  The tears have fallen from my eyes since the moment they opened. I miss you desperately.  I long to see you again.  I can't deny the brokenness that our hearts still feel.  I imagine they always will...but...

I rejoice for you today.  I know you are at peace.  I believe you are with the One Who created you and gave you to us and allowed us to love you for your short life here.  How beautiful it was to have the opportunity to be your family.  How precious a gift you were to each one of us.  Ash, we love you.  Still we love you.  Forever we will love you. If only I could tuck you in again tonight I would still whisper in your ear that Daddy loves Ashley...and Mommy loves Ashley...and Blake loves Ashley...and Allie loves Ashley...and Jesus loves Ashley.

You will be forever loved...forever missed...forever eight.