Its August Again
Its August again...
I woke to the sounds of the rain.
A storm moved quickly through.
The sounds of the wind and the rain outside my window were an echo of the many emotions I've felt in my heart all month. I lay there listening and the tears in my eyes began to slide down my cheeks.
In those first few moments that I find myself awake each morning my heart skips a beat, and my mind plays quick tricks on me. Then the realization that she's not really here floods over me and those tears, all too familiar to my pillow, reappear and begin to fall...again.
I fight the urge to come here...daily. I say a thousand things, share a thousand thoughts, heartaches and memories with myself in my mind every single day. Things I feel drawn to come to this place and spill out on this screen, but then don't. I wish I could explain why, but I can't.
As the anniversary of Ashley Kate's death approaches I find myself battling with the loss, the emptiness, and the loneliness of living without her. The month of August is a long, miserable, painful walk among all of the lasts we experienced with her. She had a beautiful life, but the last 29 days of it were so painful. The last 13 even more so. Her body was broken and the memory of those days hurt. That is the simple truth of all of this...it hurts... it still hurts...it will always hurt.
I struggle with all the decisions, choices, what ifs, and onlys...I'm constantly battling them all. Forgiving others has never been a difficult task...forgiving myself has been impossible. It was such a confusing time. There were no easy answers. No solutions. No directions.
I find myself staring, longing for what other mothers have. Little girls bring a rush of joy and a flood of pain in a mixed up bundle of emotion. Its so hard not to want what those around me have. I still want our daughter. I want to hold her. Touch her. Kiss her. I'm jealous? I think? Not sure if thats the right word to describe what rises up in me as I catch a glimpse of an 8-10 year old in the store, at dinner, or on a playground. I find myself smiling, and staring, and wiping the silent tears that have slipped from my eyes onto my cheeks as I stand frozen in the aisle of Hobby Lobby, or at our table in Chick Fil A. Its so hard to explain.
A dear friend shared with me this morning that she took her daughter to Ashley's mausoleum. I've never shared where she lay with anyone that I can remember. I've been waiting for her memorial piece to be completed and placed. I don't know of anyone who has ever stood in that precious space other than the four of us, but oh how precious to know that they took the time to go and to remember our sweet Ashley Kate. My heart is overwhelmed.
Most people in our lives don't know and haven't known what to say. Its ok, because I don't know what to say to them either. We've lost our community, the places we belonged, since we lost her. One of the most difficult parts of losing a child is not feeling like you belong where you once did. Of all the many people we once considered our friends in the transplant world, those we've learned so much from...we are no longer a part of their lives or they ours. We've become their worst nightmare, and I can imagine how frightening we must be to them. Four days shy of two years since her passing and I can count on one hand those who have weathered the storm along side us. Two who survived all the many days that we needed to be silent, the days we needed to scream, the days where the tears fell seemingly without end, and the days were numbness was the only work I could use to describe to them how I felt. They stuck it out and still do. They loved her enough and loved us enough to just accept where we were at any given moment. Whether it be ugly or whether it be beautiful. I am FOREVER grateful to them for hanging in there. For loving us all enough to hang on because they felt it was valuable enough to endure all of the awful in hopes of being near us when we remember the beautiful. Thank you so very much for allowing us to hurt. For not telling us to move on...or that it was time to get over it...or to stop grieving. Thank you so very much for your willingness to keep trying...to keep calling...to keep texting.. and to keep showing up.
When the occasional letter or email or text comes through it so blesses our hearts. Some of those who faithfully loved, and prayed, and followed throughout Ashley Kate's life will still share with us that they were reminded of her, thought of her, or miss her. Priceless are those moments when I discover their words. Tears fall, my heart is overwhelmed, and I am reminded that she made a difference in this world. I'm reminded she was here for a bigger purpose and He must have seen that it was fulfilled and then He took her home...to her eternal home.
Its August again and its a struggle.