I miss her...
My soul aches for her.
To touch her.
To kiss her.
To hold her.
Just once more. If only I had one more chance to whisper over her how desperately she is loved.
I lie awake each night. Longing to hear her laughter spill down the hall into our room. I search for her in my dreams and yet I never find her. 2am...4am...5...Dave says to me..."why are you awake?"...all I can do is say to him..."I miss her." To which he answers..."I'm so sorry. I'll never understand. It makes no sense."
7 months have passed since we kissed our sweet girl. At 6:48 this morning I once again fought the memory of when she took her last breath as it came so vividly, so loud, and so real to me. I knelt next to her tired body that morning with my hand under her neck and held her as she breathed her very last. The moment He stopped breathing life into my daughter and the memory of that moment in time hurts so deeply. A loneliness as I'd never known entered into my world. The loss of our precious Ashley Kate emptied me. Every good part of me spilled out and some days I wonder if it will ever come back.
I miss her.
Every day. Still.
I want to scream at the whole world each time I step out to be in it. I want to scream for it to STOP. To notice. To realize what it lost and what heaven gained.
Our hearts were changed in that moment. Our faith was tested. Our dreams were shattered. Our family fractured. Every day is hard. Some harder than others, but every day is hard. I've yet to wake up and make it through an easy one since Aug.29th.
I force myself to move. Force myself to take on projects. Force myself to volunteer. If I didn't force these things upon myself I would never leave my room. I force myself to smile. Force myself to care. It feels as though my whole world is fake because the inside of me is so different than what the outside portrays. It wears me out. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. All the pretending.
I sit and watch as they construct her final resting place and each day I see that they are getting closer and closer to moving her there. The rage and emotional strain in my heart at the sight of progress is indescribable. How I wish I could stop this. How I wish I could have saved her. Spared her. Taken her place..I could not. Loving her was not enough. It just wasn't enough.
Its senior night at the ballpark. As I prepare to stand next to my 18 year old as we honor him and his closest friends, my heart will break for all he lost two days into his senior year. It will break because he knows as well as I do that the most amazing, most precious, and most beautiful of little sisters will not be there next to us on that field. We will make it through tonight just as we have made it through all the other special nights of the last 7 months of this senior year, but it won't be without tears. Not because he is finishing his final high school season, but because his biggest fan wont be there with him. Her picture is in his locker...her pink pirate jersey is hanging in the club house...her initials are embroidered onto his hat...her name stitched into his glove...and he wears a charm around his neck that says "Ashley"... he won't be able to high five her tiny hand at the end of the game, but I know he's keeping her as close to his heart as he can.
I miss her...and...so does he.
Congratulations Blake...we are so very proud of all you have accomplished, of the man you have become, and of the big brother you were to her. She loved you more most.