Broken
5:00a.m.
I don't understand why it seems to help me to come down here and type. Maybe it is helping me to release my fears, insecurities, faults? As I sit and watch my sweet girl drift in and out of sleep I feel a brokeness inside. I am praying to the Father because I know He designed every little part of Ash. He knows every cell, every tissue, every vessel, every pathway, and every ugly thing that has invaded her little body. I know He can in a moment put all of this infection out of her body. He can restore her. I don't know His plan. That is the hard part. I understand that He is the one in control and I am not. What is His plan for my Ashley?
Every part of my spirit is broken this morning. I have tried to empty out myself before the Lord and have asked Him if there is anything I can do. Is there sin in my heart that stands between me and Him hearing the cry I send out? Please show me what I need to do. I so desperately want to watch her grow up. I want to see her learn to walk. I want to see her play in our backyard. I want to be the one to teach her to read and watch the pride spread across her face as she completes her first story book. I want to watch her eyes light up on Christmas morning just because the sun is finally awake. I want to watch her get into Blake and Allies things while they are at school. Oh how I want to see her start the first day of Kindergarten! All the little things that I watched Blake and Al accomplish through the years are what I want for Ashley. If only she could turn 8 or 11 someday. I know how selfish this sounds, but I assure you it comes from a Mommies heart who only loves Ashley more than I ever dreamed I could love.
I can't see the tomorrows in Ashley's life but I know the One who can. I can't even see today right now. I feel as though we are grasping to hold onto the next minute. God gave Ashley her life and He gave her a second chance to live as well. I am confident of that. My faith does not waver in Him. It only wavers in myself. He is strong when I am weak. He will have to take over today and guide the decisions. I can't do it.
As they find answers and make decisions today I will try and keep up Ashley's journal. Your prayers are so vital. Please don't stop. Ashley needs you and I do too. Love, Trish
posted by Ashley @ 5:09 AM
5 Comments:
Oh Trish, my heart aches for you as a mother. I imagine the times my children have to get shots and how I cry for them and their pain. This does not even hold a candle to what little Ashley goes through each and every day. But as a mother you hate seeing your baby(s) in pain. We will be praying for the strength you need for today. This has been a tough emotional, sprititual, and physical journey for you all. I know you have probably heard this a million times....The Father will never give us more than we can handle....but I also know at the same time we often wonder just how much more we can take. So today we will pray for an extra measure of grace and strength for you. Father we lift up Trish and Ashley to you today. You know what the answers are before we even ask the questions. We pray that you give the doctors the wisdom they need to help little Ashley. This family's hearts ache for their precious baby. They have been through so much this last year Lord. We pray for their strength especially today Lord. Just be with Trish and hold her close to you as she goes through this day. Also be with the rest of the family, it is so hard for them to be apart. In Your Precious Name
As I sit here reading your journal entries I get the awesome feeling in my heart along with a large amount of tears down my cheeks, As a Mommy I can relate to the feelings your having, but having not been in this situation I can't say that I understand it totally, I will continue to read right along with you and pray for Ashley as well as you and your family, My God give you the strength to stay positive and be strong throughout the day! God Bless You-
Trish I cry for you each day my girl, I feel your pain, but I know that our dear Lord and Saviour is in control of everything. Daily He gives you the strength to cope with what the day brings and the joy I read of how little Ash responds to you, to her dad and to her brother and sister - how she waves to you. I know God has her cushioned in his arms and He will see her through this. Keep pouring out your fears and anxieties to Him and He will continue to uplift you. I will continue to keep you all in my prayers.
I originally read the article in the paper this weekend about Ashley and I have been drawn many times during the day to get an update on your precious gift from God. I am at a loss of words to say to such a precious family during this most difficult journey in life. I have cried out to God like many others....may you and your family feel HIS loving arms around you. I know HE is in control and is at work on His precious little girl that He created. May God touch you right now.
You are tired but not broken. I know this is true because of the amazing spirit that you and your family have revealed while embracing His gift.
I am truly inspired by your demonstration of faith, and I vow, from this day forward, to face life's trivial discomforts differently... Afterall, If little Ashley can take it...so can we.
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