Rest and Reassurance

After one of our longest nights so far, Ash is finally asleep and resting. She and I were not able to sleep at all last night. Ashley fought against the ventilator for hour after hour. This morning they eventually came up with a combination of medicines that have "knocked" her out for a while.

This morning during rounds the surgeon was able to reassure me a little that this is only a small setback. He does not plan on "poking" around on Ashley any more at this time. He has ordered an ultrasound to be done this afternoon to give them a better idea of how much fluid has accumulated in the lung. He would like to try and resolve the fluid using medicines first, before he allows another attempt at placing a chest tube. The area where the fluid is located makes it difficult to navigate a tube into without risking a puncture to her spleen or to her heart. I like his approach much better than the approach that was taken last night. Sometimes I am afraid that some doctors like to tell you more than they should. I am not sure why they feel it is necessary to go into all of the "what ifs" that you really are not even close to facing at the time. Last night I had no words. It was difficult to find the right thing to say to Dave over the phone. My heart was so desperately hurting for Ash that I could not think straight. I felt as though what I was being told we could be facing was more than I really could handle. Even though I know in my heart that God promised not to do that to me, it was still feeling like we couldn't tackle one more thing. This morning He has given me a peace and a reassurance that this WILL be "do able" for us. This is just one more day that will eventually bring us closer to home.


So many times I think of the passage of scripture where we are told how He knew us before we were born, and how we were "knit" together in our mother's womb. Ashley was not formed in my womb, but that does not make me feel any less of her mother. In all actuality, she was "knit" together in my heart and I feel as though I am more of her mother because of that fact. Ashley was formed in my heart years before her actual conception and I loved her without even knowing if she would ever be born. I loved Ashley without even knowing if she would ever be mine. I loved my Ashley without ever knowing if she would be able to call me "mommy". The bond and the love that I have with my daughter Ashley was given to me by the Father who allowed her to be mine. I chose to walk this journey through her story with her, and I have never been more sure of any choice I have ever made. Whether He allows me to be her mommy for a short time or a long time, today I feel the reassurance of knowing that she and I are where we are supposed to be.