Giant Fighting

So today I feel outnumbered. I have had no sleep in I can't remember how many days now, and I kinda feel as though I have been outmatched. Do you remember the story of David and Goliath? It kinda feels like I am in a remake of that. So here it goes.

David goes to check on his brothers who are currently in battle. When he arrives he finds them all intimidated by the Philistines and their giant Goliath. The Philistines are all lined up across the way and the giant stands there mocking them all. So here I am in Omaha and I can see the giant standing across the way mocking me. He laughs, he points fingers, he causes self doubt, he scares my baby and makes her scream which causes me to cry which causes her to cry which causes me to scream. It seems like the giant looks bigger by the minute and I don't know what to do. I have been waiting for David to show up and sleigh him, but I think that I am finally figuring out that God has intended for me to play this role. I never wanted to be a David. I have never felt qualified to be a "giant fighter". I just want to be her mommy. I am struggling trying to figure out just how I am going to knock this giant down. Guess what part of the story I seemed to have forgot? David didn't go there to sleigh a giant. He just went there to check on his brothers and to bring them a few things from home. When he got there the king tried to dress him up in a lot of fancy armor and give him a sword bigger than he was. David knew in his heart he didn't need the fancy armor. He needed God. So he looked around and found a brook, picked up a few smooth stones and went out to face the giant,but he didn't go alone. He took the faith that he had in the almighty God along with him. He stood face to face with that giant and allowed God to use him. So how does this relate to me? This whole transplant process is my giant. I never thought I would be called to go to the battle field and try to fight against something that was bigger than me, Dave, Blake, Al, and Ash combined. I really thought that the 5 of us could take on anything that came our way. I really believed that all Ash needed was to come home and she would begin to grow and thrive and be fine. The part that I left out was this; I forgot to consider that perhaps God never intended for us to just show up at the battle field to encourage others to fight the giants. I am learning that He must have seen something in me that made Him think I had the makings of a giant fighter. Something that if I would allow Him to lead, to take me to that brook and those 5 smooth stones that He could use me to sleigh giants. Trust me, today I don't feel much like a David, and I don't feel like I am winning this fight against our "Goliath". I feel tired, and scared, and alone, and like I am in the wrong place. The important thing for me to do now is not to get overwhelmed with what it seems we are facing, but to rely on His strength to throw those stones one after the other until He decides it is time to knock that giant down. It won't be my strength, but His that will fight the giant.

Ash has been miserable for 11 days now. She has lost her happy, playful personality. All she does is cry and scream. All I do is rock and rock. I don't mind the rocking. I actually love that part of it. What I do mind is that our Giant seems to be getting bigger and bigger and he is making my sweet Ashley go insane. She is on such high amounts of super powerful drugs that she is going nuts. I have talked to the team this morning during rounds and we have decided to take this week and try to get her back. For several days it seemed as though everyone's answer to help Ash was to increase her doses of drugs. I can not tell you how against this process I have been. I more than anyone want her to be comfortable, but this is not and was not the answer. They surgeon told me to brace myself this week. It is going to get worse before it gets any better, but we are now all in agreement that we have to reduce the amount of the drugs she is being given. When I talk about the giant we are facing, this week he will come in the form of severe withdrawal. Worse than I have ever seen her go through before. I told them I don't know how she could possibly feel worse than she does now, but they told me to get ready for it. She already screams, kicks, hits, flails, throw herself against the crib, scratches, claws until we are both bleeding, and cries uncontrollably. I can't imagine what else is in store for us this week, but I do know that as we face this "giant" in hopes of getting our Ashley back we will need to rely on His strength. I don't have what it takes to do this alone. I need Him.

Please pray that we can get some rest, that she will come back to us, that they will have the pathology results back in the morning, that we can fight this giant and whatever others decide to show up. I am feeling very weak at this point in our battle and I just really want to sit down and cry with her( oh yeah, I already have!). The nurses don't know what to do with us so they just try to avoid our room. Like I said, she cries, I scream, she screams, I cry. It really is a mess in our corner of the PICU. Hope He knew what He was doing when He signed me up to be a "giant fighter"! Thanks for loving us even on our weaker, uglier days. Take care. Trish