Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart

6/25/2007

Still here. Just taking some time to evaluate what should be done. Wishing I had the ability to "Blue Skew do" into this picture and perhaps experience the peace that I see when I look at it.

To pretend that words of criticism and judgement don't cause pain would be a lie, but I believe that the author knew that by the words that were written. Some of the accusations were more hurtful than others. The most painful were questions about my faith. My faith is my faith. It is my salvation and no one else's. Not perfect. A work in progress. I had to laugh out loud when I read that I was trying to be a "brave Godly woman". That is the last thing I believe I am. Brave? Not if you actually witnessed my cowardly, crumpled body on the floor outside of Ashley's room the night I really believed she was leaving me. Godly? How I long to be, but KNOW that I have farther to go than most. I'm not one to shove my faith in other's faces. I don't stand on the corner and preach to the masses. I wish I was that brave. I do my best to live out what I believe all the while knowing I make mistakes daily and never taking for granted that God the Father loves me enough to forgive me for them. As for accusing me of writing things that "sound good" or "are you really afraid". I can't understand that one. Afraid for real? YES. If you have spent anytime reading my posts then I am sure you have noticed that I write them spur of the moment and don't even take the time to proof read them or to correct my mistakes. I'm not a journalism major and I'm not a writer. I'm a mom recording the thoughts and experiences that come to me during this journey.

At this point I don't know how to continue writing. I have always referred to God the Father as Father, and I don't know how to leave Him out of Ashley's story. Callouses on my knees? No. My prayer time is difficult to explain. Most nights I lie awake and talk to Him(now I'm scared to say the word Father). I wake up talking to Him while I go about my business. I have found that while I'm in the shower I have uninterrupted time to pray. I pray a lot while I'm driving. None of these times will you find me on my knees earning those callouses.

Am I always kind, sweet, grateful, together? I wish. That is my heart's desire. I sincerely believe everyone deserves to be treated kindly. Regardless of who they are, or what they have done. Showing kindness to others is not an option to me. I expect it of my children because I believe that since God valued people enough to send His only Son to die for us all, then we should place value on those He died for. Grateful? Yes, I am grateful. For more than I could ever list. Too many blessings in our life not to show gratitude.


Yes, my heart is hurt. I have obviously messed up a precious thing if there are those who truly believe I could be as shallow, self righteous, and self absorbed as I have been made aware that some believe. I never wanted this to happen and never realized it could, but now I know and I will thank you for that. No malice, no anger, no venom towards those who think poorly of me. You have that right, but you also have the right not to read Ashley's story. Your welcome to stay, but if you choose not too that's fine as well. Dave and I will only thank you for your time, your prayers, your insights if you believe you were trying to help me, and your love for our Ashley.


Just the Facts. Ash is sick. She has a skin infection around her feeding tube and it is very, very, painful. She spent the entire night screaming as I tried to comfort her. I have no idea what to do. There are the facts. No smiles. No play times. No fun.

If I can figure out a way to write without pouring my thoughts and my heart into this journal then I will, but for now I don't know how to be anyone other than me. I'm still praying.

Thank you again from the deepest part of my heart. Your love, your support, your presence brings comfort to a deep injury inside of my heart. I have never taken any of you for granted. Please know how much you are loved. Trish

25 Comments:

At 6:02 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Welcome Back! It was so good to hear from you and your heart! I will be praying for Ashley and her infection and the pain. It is my prayer that she will rest better in the days ahead and will be infection free. May God Bless you all today! Terry

 
At 6:04 PM , Blogger renovating this heart said...

So many bazillion hugs to you.

 
At 6:05 PM , Blogger renovating this heart said...

And always prayers for that baby girl. I know infections are not a good thing for her fragile body... so many prayers.

 
At 6:35 PM , Anonymous regina d said...

Hey Trish. I am praying for Ash to feel much better very quickly. Bless her little heart ... she is such a blessing. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.
Regina D.

 
At 6:52 PM , Anonymous Ally P said...

I love you and your family just the way you are... and so does our heavenly father.

Hugs... I come here daily, and pray for Ashley and your family. I don't have those callouses on my knees either... I also pray when I am falling asleep in bed at night, or if I wake up in the middle of the night, and sometimes when I am cooking, I pray a lot when I am driving, I have even stopped reading your blog mid sentence to pray for Ashley and the other members of your family if they are having a bad day.

I too am a busy mom and sometimes I am amazed at how much your words minister to my soul, they are a gentle reminder for me to live my life to the fullest and cherish every moment I have with my children.

I can honestly say I would never dobut your salvation or your walk with God... nothing you have ever written has ever expressed anything other than you and your families love for him.

Your family is amazing.

I'm praying that the infection goes away quickly and Ashley is feeling better soon.

 
At 7:08 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've been away for a week and was quite frankly stunned when I read some of the last couple of posts.

In my point of view, don't let the words of someone who cannot even leave their name...penetrate you. You publish your posts each day and sign Trish. For goodness sakes, your address is on here for people who want to show support.

As I have begun perusing the "blogosphere"...I see many sites daily where christian women bare their souls, their thoughts, their failings, their heart cries...and on occasion receive very honest feedback from other women who read their site and are offering their view. WITH A SIGNED NAME!! They dialogue...The Bible...we know who wrote it. Sermons are given by men in person...or in writings with their names.

I don't know this Anonymous...and maybe they were sharing a heartfelt word...but should have been human enough to sign their name or privately email it to you.

You don't come across to me or others I know who check this site...as anything other than what I believe you to be...a mother and a family walking the journey of life with a medically fragile child.

I grew up praying to my Father. To see that questioned...takes me back.

The sites I read from other Christiian writers...are people who even if I don't recognize the "truth" they learned that day when I see them in person...are documenting their journey. If we were all perfect...we wouldn't need the Savior. It doesn't excuse our sins or shortcomings...but we shouldn't be afraid to speak (or blog) where we are at and what we are learning...because we will be called hypocrites when we stumble.

I read Beth Moore's blog...and they moderate their comments for this very reason. Maybe that is something you could consider. I feel like you have still allowed comments b/cause that is our way to support you.

I, of course, don't know your family. But I do check here daily. Usually 3 times a day. I do pray for your requests. I do beseech my Father for His will in the lives of Ashley and her family.

I know that Dave posted that you would be praying for His direction...and I trust that you will make the decision He would have you make.

I just urge you not to let this person or persons question your decisions.

Kristi in Texas

 
At 7:10 PM , Blogger Becky & Tim said...

Trish,
You write from your heart. You tell your story as it unfolds day to day and at times, minute by minute. I am so thankful to have found Ashley's journal. I am reminded each time I visit just how blessed I am. My faith is renewed. My prayers continue to go up to the Father for your entire family. I have never felt that you were portraying anyone other than who you are. You've always worn your heart on your sleeve. As you said, others have a right to read or not read Sweet Ashley's journal. I choose to read, believe, and pray each and every time I visit this site. May many blessings pour over your family. And may this skin infection be healed quickly for Miss Ashley. Blessings to you all.

 
At 7:24 PM , Blogger Connie said...

Trish, you've never been anything but honest. Please don't let one voice overwhelm you....the rest of us love you and LOVE reading about Ashley and you and your family. Don't stop writing...don't let one person control you. They don't deserve to have that muh power! I would really miss being able to check in and see how she's doing. We've prayed for her for so long, it's such a joy to see how well she's doing now. May the Father richly bless you, and show you what to do.

 
At 7:43 PM , Blogger Lisa said...

I have followed your journal about your daughter and have been uplifted spiritually. Please keep writing, I come here first thing on a daily basis as soon as I turn on my computer. You are also in my prayers daily. You have an amazing faith and I am blessed by you.
Thank you for sharing your faith and and your daughter's journey with us. Lisa

 
At 7:58 PM , Anonymous Heather said...

Trish, I am SO glad you've come back. If you want to refer to the Father every other word then that's just what you should do. I can't comprehend that anonymous message; thought about it all day yesterday. I have lurked here for over six months but I had to speak up in defense of you, your family, and most importantly that precious little girl. I do hope you'll continue.

 
At 8:00 PM , Anonymous Trina said...

Why let one commenter's words (that I believe were crafted to hurt you) impact your desire to chronicle Ashley's medical journey?

Whether the commenter doesn't like what you have said, your writing style, or questions your faith - it's irrelevant. This journal is important to you, your family, and the readers who have grown to care about all of you.

Please take the means to either disallow anonymous comments or delete hurtful posts from the blog and your mind. Don't let an individual who hides behind anonymity ruin this journal.

 
At 8:25 PM , Blogger amy said...

praying, praying, praying for ashley that the Lord would heal her infection and give her comfort. praying, for you, trish, that the Lord will heal those places in your heart that have been wounded and that you can rest in His comfort and in the shadow of his wings.

prayers abound in nc!
amy

 
At 8:35 PM , Blogger Sun said...

How I wish I could reach through my screen to yours and hug you. Who cares if you have callouses on your knees from praying as the "anonymous" asked you - Jesus bears the scars and markings so we don't have to. Your heart is in His hands and He alone knows you and He ALONE should question or judge or correct you - last time I checked the Holy Spirit did not have a sign up sheet for volunteer convictors. In fact if the person was following the Biblical mandates they were laying out - the Bible is VERY clear on how to comfront someone whom you believed to have slipped - approach that person privately FIRST and with ALL humility. I so hope you continue to be you through these words because that is what Ashley, Blake, Allie and your entire family will want as a legacy - your words, your journey...for when it gets tough for them and they question if anyone else struggles as they chase God - they can look at this journey and see the times you have hurt, cried out, and bared your heart. It will inspire them and encourage them as much - no MORE - even than it has for us out here looking in! I SO adore you! Sunshine

 
At 8:47 PM , Blogger Julie said...

I have never posted (maybe I have and cannot remember) but am heart broken at the thought of the anonymous poster. Really it is them who needs help.

I know words can hurt even from someone you do not know. This just upsets me so much.

Personally you are an inspiration to me and my life. You have many big obstacles but you seem so grounded and I am so so blessed to have been reading this blog. Thank you so much for sharing your sorrows and happiness.

Please do not let that person hurt you, I know easier said than done. I am being selfish because I so look forward to seeing what you and Ash are up to daily.

Our adoption journey has had tough times but to see your faith and your strength really gives me a hope.

You are so very special. We are also in Texas and I even looked up how far you guys are because I would give anything to meet you in person. You are a special person and do not let anyone (especially some anonymous person) tell you differently. You know who you are in the eyes of the Father.

Hugs - Love - Prayers

Julie
http://thelussierfamily.blogspot.com/

 
At 8:52 PM , Blogger Sun said...

I forgot to say this - I am praying for Ashley's skin infection and for comfort for her! SO sorry I forgot to include this in my last comment - much love and prayers to her and your entire family! Sunshine

 
At 9:17 PM , Blogger cindy/barron said...

Hi Trish, I was so excited when i came to Ashleys journal to see that you had posted. I am praying for Ashleys skin infection. Trish i dont have alot of callous either for most of the time i pray after i lay down and in the am when i am on my way to work. I believe God had a purpose for this journal. Dont let satan take it away. love CINDY AND BARRON

 
At 9:18 PM , Anonymous Lori said...

Just wanted you to know that we have always loved reading your journal! You are such an inpsiration.

Praying for you all as always. Praying for Ashley's skin infection to heal quickly.

Blessings,
Lori

 
At 9:19 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to see you comment Trish. As always, you are honest and raw in your emotions and the way you relate. Don't ever stop being you.
In all honesty Trish this is the way I see anonymous's comment. I see them as being a relatively new believer who hasn't quite learned how to discern God's voice in their lives and who was practicing her own "journaling skills" on your journal, and in their immaturity, they lacked the wisdom to know how to go about doing that correctly. It almost sounded to me like a copycat performance; like they were using words they had heard other Christians use and adopting their style of speaking as their own because they haven't quite found their own 'voice' or 'style' yet. In all honesty, that's the way I see it.
Praying for Ashley. That the infection wouldn't get any worse and that she and you would be able to get some rest. We are praying that the tumors are gone, FOREVER!, and that she will be healthy and happy and begin to concentrate on just being Ashley. Judy

 
At 9:28 PM , Blogger jtcosby said...

You are amazing Trish. KEEP IT COMING! WE LOVE YOU GUYS MORE THAN WE COULD POSSIBLY LET YOU KNOW!
Praying Trish! I pray Ashley's pain and infection will disappear tonight and she can rest easily...

 
At 9:44 PM , Blogger Paulette said...

Trish,
I was very glad to see you here tonight. I prayed for you even in the midst of a heavy busy day God put you on my heart and mind so I prayed, for you and Ashley.

You just write the way you have always written, it is from your heart and don't change anything please...
We love you in your Joy and in your pain, you have always been real, honest and raw and you do not need to apologize for nutin honey!!
Blessings to you are your family.
Father, please relieve the pain with Ashley and this family. Wrap your arms around them and let them feel your presence.

 
At 10:24 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Praying for Ashley and her painful infection. That it clears quickly and that her pain lessons instantly!
Trish you have a beautiful soul I am praying that people who can not see it will not be able to negatively affect you. Your blog has taught me so much about my own family, being a mom, a wife and a daughter of our Heavenly Father. ~Chan~

 
At 10:27 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's so frustrating to see that one person's cruel words can be so hurtful. Please don't forget for one moment that hundreds of other people are inspired by you and your family. Hang in there- I'm sorry that people can be so nasty.
Prayers for you and Ashley, too.
Megan

 
At 10:53 PM , Blogger Sarah's In the Midst of It said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 11:11 PM , Anonymous Brenda said...

I'm so glad you're back! :-) And I do hope you continue to put your heart into your words. They give it life and shouldn't be held back. Nobody can please everybody, and it's certainly not your responsibility to be anything but yourself. Your style is heartfelt and that's the genuine you, so that's the one you should use to tell Ashley's story.

I'm so very sorry she's not feeling well today, and hope you can get her infection under control quickly. Those are so uncomfortable!

We were in Omaha today for a check-up (your family probably drove through our hometown when they came by car - we're about an hour and a half away) and drove by the Med Center, and thought about what a small world it is that a little girl from Texas came all the way "up here" to get fixed up. Our surgery was entirely different (cardio-thoracic surgery, performed at Children's, and in the end no replacement parts were needed after all) and I truly am sorry I didn't have the pleasure of meeting you during your stay, as we were in and out of "your" hospital having tests run on our teenage boy's heart several times.

Take care, and I'm so glad you won't be leaving!

Brenda... from Nebraska... who was showing as an "Anonymous" yesterday and this morning ... but who wasn't trying to hide... just kept forgetting to put a name to my comments! I think I have a google account/username, but that name wasn't showing when I posted.

 
At 10:54 AM , Blogger Amy T said...

Glad to see you back. Be yourself and post as you always have. We love you as you are. Dear Lord, please heal Ashley from her infection and let today be a better day for them all.

 

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