Still here. Just taking some time to evaluate what should be done. Wishing I had the ability to "Blue Skew do" into this picture and perhaps experience the peace that I see when I look at it.
To pretend that words of criticism and judgement don't cause pain would be a lie, but I believe that the author knew that by the words that were written. Some of the accusations were more hurtful than others. The most painful were questions about my faith. My faith is my faith. It is my salvation and no one else's. Not perfect. A work in progress. I had to laugh out loud when I read that I was trying to be a "brave Godly woman". That is the last thing I believe I am. Brave? Not if you actually witnessed my cowardly, crumpled body on the floor outside of Ashley's room the night I really believed she was leaving me. Godly? How I long to be, but KNOW that I have farther to go than most. I'm not one to shove my faith in other's faces. I don't stand on the corner and preach to the masses. I wish I was that brave. I do my best to live out what I believe all the while knowing I make mistakes daily and never taking for granted that God the Father loves me enough to forgive me for them. As for accusing me of writing things that "sound good" or "are you really afraid". I can't understand that one. Afraid for real? YES. If you have spent anytime reading my posts then I am sure you have noticed that I write them spur of the moment and don't even take the time to proof read them or to correct my mistakes. I'm not a journalism major and I'm not a writer. I'm a mom recording the thoughts and experiences that come to me during this journey.
At this point I don't know how to continue writing. I have always referred to God the Father as Father, and I don't know how to leave Him out of Ashley's story. Callouses on my knees? No. My prayer time is difficult to explain. Most nights I lie awake and talk to Him(now I'm scared to say the word Father). I wake up talking to Him while I go about my business. I have found that while I'm in the shower I have uninterrupted time to pray. I pray a lot while I'm driving. None of these times will you find me on my knees earning those callouses.
Am I always kind, sweet, grateful, together? I wish. That is my heart's desire. I sincerely believe everyone deserves to be treated kindly. Regardless of who they are, or what they have done. Showing kindness to others is not an option to me. I expect it of my children because I believe that since God valued people enough to send His only Son to die for us all, then we should place value on those He died for. Grateful? Yes, I am grateful. For more than I could ever list. Too many blessings in our life not to show gratitude.
Yes, my heart is hurt. I have obviously messed up a precious thing if there are those who truly believe I could be as shallow, self righteous, and self absorbed as I have been made aware that some believe. I never wanted this to happen and never realized it could, but now I know and I will thank you for that. No malice, no anger, no venom towards those who think poorly of me. You have that right, but you also have the right not to read Ashley's story. Your welcome to stay, but if you choose not too that's fine as well. Dave and I will only thank you for your time, your prayers, your insights if you believe you were trying to help me, and your love for our Ashley.
Just the Facts. Ash is sick. She has a skin infection around her feeding tube and it is very, very, painful. She spent the entire night screaming as I tried to comfort her. I have no idea what to do. There are the facts. No smiles. No play times. No fun.
If I can figure out a way to write without pouring my thoughts and my heart into this journal then I will, but for now I don't know how to be anyone other than me. I'm still praying.
Thank you again from the deepest part of my heart. Your love, your support, your presence brings comfort to a deep injury inside of my heart. I have never taken any of you for granted. Please know how much you are loved. Trish