The Separation

Dave and I had a discussion while Ash was in the OR. With big tears in my eyes I shared with him that its not so much the waiting that is difficult for me. Its the separation. The moment they ask me to go to the waiting room and they take our baby in the opposite direction. That's the part that rips into me. The separation from our baby, our little girl, our sweet Ashley. You would think that in time it should get easier, but I can tell you from experience that it does not. It is not natural to watch them go down the halls of a hospital time and time again. It is not normal to know that a tube is being inserted into their throats to breathe for them. It is not easy to have no say about who and what is touching them. The separation from her gets me each and every time. My prayer is always the same, "Please hold her close to You and please keep her safe while she is away." That's the best way I know to leave her. Resting in His hands.

We are now back in our room and Ash is breathing on her own. For a while we thought she might require some oxygen support, but she perked up and although her oxygen saturation's are not as high as before the procedure she is holding her own. She is coughing and her throat is sore from the scope, but she looks pretty good. Her stomach is more swollen and more distended than before and it is causing her some discomfort. The results of the biopsies will not be shared with us until sometime tomorrow.

Dave thinks we hit the jackpot today. Its always a good day when you get good nurses. Our nursing care today and tonight is better than we could have hoped had we put in our requests. I love it when that happens. God has really blessed me with some great friends along the way and it makes it so much easier to be here knowing that I have those girls around. By the way, I want to say thanks to Heather for the awesome dinner, the Target run, and the surprise. It made us smile. You are so appreciated.

The unknown is always difficult. How much of her bowel has been affected? How long will she be sick? What is going to happen? When will be able to go home? All of these questions and many more are continuously on my mind. I wish I knew the answers, but of course I do not. I know that God does know and even though it brings me comfort I still would like to stomp my feet and demand to know. I realize that sounds ugly, but if I could just know the plan. I think I function better when I know what I am up against. I am quite sure this is one of the lessons He is still trying to teach me. I have such a long way to go.

I am trying not to think about Dave leaving tomorrow. I am trying not to think about missing my son's 12th birthday. I am trying not to think about not being there to lay next to Al as she says her prayers. I am trying not to think too much right now. Sometimes you just need to be still and thats what I am planning for tonight and tomorrow. I want to and need to be still enough to listen.

Thank you so much for being here and walking along side of us. Your prayers are so important to us. I know He is listening. Thank you. Trish