Exactly one year ago...

...tonight this is what I wrote:


I love her. Thats it. Nothing more, nothing less. When I say that I love my Ashley I mean that I love her with every part of my being. She did not come from me, but she is a part of me. I need her. She is a part of us. We would not be "us" without her. Thank you God for letting me keep her. I was so very scared and I know I failed again, but you were merciful and you allowed her to stay with me. I owe you so very much. Thank you that today was not the day I had to give her back. Thank you for hearing my desperate crys. Thank you for letting me love her.

I don't think I can come up with the words to express the fear that overwhelmed me. It was so very close to my worst nightmare. Only God allowed me to keep her instead of receiving her. My heart broke. Physical pain ran through it. The tears have not stopped. My eyes burn from them. I am broken. My spirit is in pieces, but yet I still give Him praise because He did not take her home. My crys, my pleas, my prayers were so ugly. "NO,NO,NO,NO,NO". Not now, not today, not now, not today. God please, God please, God please." I must have cried them out loud a thousand times. I could not breathe. There came a point where I could no longer stand. I slumped to the floor and cried in a puddle with Kiley's mommy. I would stop and think," This is not happening. What happened to my baby. Somebody tell me this is not real. Then my crys, my pleas, my prayers would start all over again, and again, and again. My head is still reeling from the events of today. They all happened so fast. One test led to another, to another, and then before I could think I was signing consent papers for the needle and the drain to enter into the sack that so tenderly holds her tiny heart. I was told they only have to perform this once or twice a year on their transplant patients. Next I was told not to worry that what actually did happen to my Ashley only happens about 5%of the time. I still don't understand why she went into cardiac arrest. Neither do they. Tonight we are walking a fine line. Her vitals are stable. She is fighting the vent. She will not go down without a fight. They continue trying to sedate her but she opened her eyes and shook her head. She kicks her tiny bunny clad feet at them, and she waves her arms. She is there. She is fighting to wake up. She does not want to leave. She knows she has a purpose in this life. They tell me they do not know how long her heart had stopped. They did CPR on her for a full 10 minutes. They do not know if there was a lack of oxygen to her brain, but I am praising because she is physically fighting them every step of the way. I am praising because even after suffering cardiac arrest her lab work looks stable. I am praising because her blood gases are amazing us that they look as good as they do after what her body just went through, and they continue improving every hour. Only God can do this. Only God led us to this transplant center with this AMAZING staff of doctors and nurses who acted so quickly and knew exactly what must be done for her. I will forever be grateful to them.

Tonight I almost lost my youngest daughter and as she was fighting to stay with us, I was fighting to keep the best part of me alive. As a parent, the instinct that kicks in when your child is dying can not be explained. I am not me without Blake, Allison, or Ashley. I would not be the same without them. If I could find a blessing in all of this it would be that my Sweet Ashley Kate is still with us and she is fighting to stay. I thank God for the spirit and the strength He gave her. If only I could be 1/2 the person she is. I love her...

A year later and our sweet Ashley Kate is still with us. She is lying in that crib across the room and I can hear her making sweet noises as she drifts off to sleep. A year ago today we both lived through the absolute worst day of her life. A year ago today I saw the both of us slipping away. As she teetered between life and death my spirit did as well. I have never hurt so much in all my life. Violent, physical pain pierces your very soul as you watch one of your children slip closer to death than to life. The tears burn my eyes as I remember. All day long I have watched in amazement as this little girl sat before me and smiled, clapped, played, and giggled. He does have a plan for our little gherkin and although I have no idea what it is going to be I am just grateful to Him for allowing us to have this year with her. Thank you Father for your mercy and your gift to us. I am humbled. Trish