Ashley's Story

She will leave fingerprints all over your heart


Talking to God...

...about this baby and the other two He gave me. Trying to convince myself that He remembers that I'm a mom and that all three of these children need me. Or maybe its me that needs them? I think its more like the latter. Oh, I know He hasn't forgotten and doesn't really need a reminder from me, but today I just wanted to ask Him if He knew the other two were without me right now.

I don't allow myself to question Him too often. I KNOW He is good and that He is working in the life of our family so questioning what He is allowing us to go through isn't going to change any of it. I just go along accepting that this is what has been asked of us and honestly I would rather continue doing this than not needing to anymore. So many dear, sweet mommies don't get to do what I am still doing and I know they would gladly trade places with me. I am blessed. Blessed to have this private time with our daughter. Blessed to be the one her eyes "talk" to each day. Blessed to kiss her cheeks, cuddle her soft self to my chest, and smell her hair each and every day. Blessed to beloved by this sweet, sweet girl. I am so blessed.

She looks good. She is sleeping already and I am listening to the struggle inside of her chest as she inhales each breath. It sounds so loud and almost violent, but tonight I am more than thankful for those sounds. The rise and fall of her chest is not controlled by a machine but by her own self. She is battling back and it won't be long before those eyes are twinkling with joy again. Surely it won't be too much longer before her need for oxygen support is gone and she is back to breathing comfortably.

I'm trying to hide my disappointment, but I'm afraid it is coming out all over Dave in our conversation today. He is my safe place. The place I can go and be disappointed, be grumpy because my heart is sad, or be a little angry because our plans didn't work out. Sure he doesn't deserve any of it, but he allows me to snap and responds with kindness. He allows me to cry and responds with understanding because he too would like to break down and cry a little. He allows me to be silent on the line as the minutes tick away, and responds by reminding me that he loves me and is sorry I am struggling today. My heart is sad because our little one is here, our ten year old prepares for her first soccer game with a new team, and our twelve year old has traveled with friends instead of his family to the opeing tournament of baseball season. I'm their mom and I'm supposed to help Ash feel better, encourage Al that she will do great, and provide routine and structure for my son who depends on me to prepare everything the way he has become accustomed to before a game. I'm their mom and I am not able to do any of the things I need to be doing tonight. So I ask God, "Did you forget that I'm a mom? Do you remember that I have three children who all need me? Can you see my broken heart and are you still collecting the tears that I'm crying?"

I know how silly this is. The disappointment will pass. The brokeness will heal. The presence of God will be felt. The plan for our family will continue and as long as He is glorified and people can see Jesus in us while He works out the details then all will be worth it. I'm glad He loves me enough to ignore my weakness and manifest His strength. That's the way it has to be. If I could do this without His help it wouldn't be worth doing.

Ultimately its not about me being their mom. Its about Him being our God. He hasn't forgotten anything. It's me that sometimes forgets. Thanks for listening as I work this all out.
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