I do not. I mean that I don't understand this. This month, this week, this day, this night, this hour, this moment. There are so many things in this life that I don't understand, but still there are a few that I think I do.
I understand that He loves me.
I understand that He loves our Ashley Kate.
I understand that He sees the hurt inside of us.
I understand that my heart hurts for my baby.
I understand that even when it doesn't seem like it, the people in this place are trying to help my baby.
I understand that she is worth this and so much more.
I understand that many, many people don't understand me or my decisions.
I understand that my children, all three of them, need a mom. I believe that God understands that too.
I understand that my love for her is deeper than any I have ever known.
I understand that she was meant to be our daughter.
I understand that some where, some way, some day there will be good that comes from this experience and that He will be able to use it for His purpose.
I understand that it is not my job to understand but just to trust.
In my brokenness I continue trying to understand the difference between what it is I am supposed to understand and what I was never meant to understand.
Tonight I am just too tired to try and understand any more. I sit here in the dark and stare at this beautiful child whom I am allowed to love. Understanding does not come so I continue to stare. In one hour we will begin day 23 in this place and I don't understand why we are here and not in our home with Dave, Blake, and Allie. I pray that sleep will come and that my mind will shut down and allow me to stop trying to understand for just a little while. I want to rest because I know that even though I don't understand I am still going to trust. If I would truly trust Him with this night then I believe I will be able to close my eyes.