Help me Lord...

...cause I don't understand Your ways.

I've thought a lot about the verse on the side bar today. Your ways are higher than mine. Your thoughts are higher than mine. I shared earlier this week that I don't understand all that happens in Ash's life. I don't think I ever will.

So as she sleeps I cry as I ask the Father if she will always be this fragile? At this time in her life, at this age, she will have no memory of all that has happened, but what do we do as she gets older? With each admission she becomes wiser and wiser. She knows that inside these walls she hurts. How do I help her survive the bad in order to give to her the good? Will she understand that we only wanted to give her the best life possible? Will she know that all we have done and all we have decided was for her good? How will she do this at 4 and 5 and 9 and 10? I think of her life to come and I wonder if she will reach that "stability" we only dream of now? Will she be allowed to just become a little girl without a care in the world? Or will she always know that it is just a matter of time, a matter of days, before we return to where the world inside these walls is filled with pain?

I dream big dreams for Ashley Kate. I dream of carefree days of play in the grass. I dream of afternoons at the pool squealing and splashing. I dream of her running alongside the ocean collecting sea shells with her big sister. I dream of night time rituals that consist of bed time prayers and giggles, not feeding pumps and meds. I dream of crayons and back packs. I dream of simple boo- boos that need nothing more than a kiss, a cookie, and a band aid to fix. I dream of happiness not hurt. Peace and not pain. Smiles and not tears. I dream big for Ashley Kate.

I sit in these halls and I see what is happening. The children come back again and again. Some go home and live full lives, but so many do not. Who will she be? What does He have planned for her life? His ways are higher than mine and I can't see what He is doing? His thoughts are higher than mine and I have no idea what He is thinking?

Her life is precious. Have you seen her smile? Have you ever truly looked into the eyes you see in her photographs? Do you see what we see every day? A sparkle, a twinkle, a life that shines so bright through those amazing eyes? She deserves nothing less than the opportunity to live. Live the life given to her by her Creator. How do I teach her to make the most of it? Show her how to soak up each and every moment never waisting even one? Provide for her every opportunity to be happy? to be at peace? to be carefree as a child should be? How will I do these things when it is so hard for me to understand why she has to endure such pain?

On September 26, 2006 we were given a gift. Not the gift of life as so many people say, but something more precious. We were given time. The gift of time is what transplant is all about. Not a lifetime, but some time. Time to love, to experience, to laugh, to snuggle, to play, to make memories. Dear God, I pray that our time doesn't run out. I pray that it is stretched as far as you will allow and feels as though it is never ending. I pray for happy days and dream filled nights. I pray for more time at home and less time away. I pray for our family to become so united that even these times of separation and distance can not steal from us who we are. I pray for our sweet Ashley Kate and the time You have written down for her. Allow us to make the most of it. All of it.