At A loss

I can offer nothing. I'm a little numb after Ashley's scope. All I can share is that the doctor held his hands up in the air and said, "Trish, I just don't know. I can't tell. There is definitely something going on there that is making the bowel angry. Is it ongoing rejection? Is it an infection? Is it both? It could be both, but I'm almost sure there is a viral infection in there."

There were no words of affirmation. Nothing uplifting or encouraging. There are tears stinging my eyes, but yet I don't want them to fall because I just don't know. I can tell you that there is a sinking feeling in my chest. I saw the pictures. I watched the scope on the screen as he performed the biopsies and I did not see encouraging things. I pray I am wrong. Her bowel is FULL of mucous. Not a good sign. It probably explains the outpouring of stool that has occurred the last 36 hours. Something else is in there and she could very well still be in rejection or have it reoccur as a result of this new infection. It will be 24 hours before we know what virus is in there and it will be tomorrow afternoon before I hear the pathologists report.

It seems as though our time in Omaha is going to be longer than we are hoping. Please, God heal her bowel. Restore her to herself. Allow us to go home. Please.

My heart is heavy for many reasons. Heavy for my family. For my husband. For our practice. It's been a tough day for Dave and my heart breaks for him because having us here and not there only makes it tougher on him. I won't be there tonight to encourage him or take some of the pressure off of him. Instead he will go home from his job tonight and do mine. The separation is so painful. He is my partner and my best friend and to hear his voice over the phone last night as he called just to say that he missed us girls broke my heart. How I wish the world would just stop when Ash is sick so that we could both be here with her and not have a care in the world other than our daughter. If only.

She is resting now. The scopes aren't much fun for her. She should wake soon and when she does I think I'll just hold her close to me and be thankful. Thankful for this child. This beautiful, amazing, strong child that I have the privilege to call mine.

Thank you for your prayers. I wish I had better news. Tomorrow perhaps.