Home sick

Our day was rough. There is no other way to describe it.

Tonight our hearts long for home. For Dave's support. For Blake's smile. For Allie's sweet voice. Ash and I are homesick. She as much as me. Her nurse told her she was going "bye-bye" and Ashley's screaming stopped, her eyes opened, and she reached for the door. She thought she meant that she was going to get to go bye-bye. At that moment I shed my first tears of the day. It all came tumbling out. The hurt and the heartbreak for what her day has been like. I really, and truly have no words to describe it to you.

Someone asked me if I needed a break. "Nope, I don't need a break from Ash. I need a break for Ash." That is what this mommy needs. I need for her to get a break from the discomfort she is having. I hate that I can't do anything to help her. I hold her little feet in my hands. Those tiny feet who have yet to take a step, and rub them to try and take her mind off of the itching. It seems as though her hands and feet are bothering her the most tonight. She can't stop clawing at them.

She finally finished the blood transfusion and we gave her a does of lasix. She peed about 80ccs. Thats it. She needs to pee 1cc/per kilo/ per hour. Thats a minimum of 14 an hour. In the last 24 she has had less than 100. We are waiting on her lab results to come back to see if the albumin and the blood did anything to counteract what the high drug levels have done to her BUN and Creatnine. Hopefully the numbers have come back down and they won't want to give any fluid bolus'. We are tiptoeing around her tendency to transfer extra fluids to her lungs. Our hope is to be discharged without any respiratory issues, chest tubes, and the like.

I'm so very tired. Its when I'm this tired that I really get homesick. To have her back in our home and in her own crib is what I desire. To be in our home with Dave tonight is what I would like more than anything. To wake up and fix Allie's hair for school and pack Blake's lunch would make my heart smile. To just be there when they all get home tomorrow evening. Home seems so far away right now.

Somewhere in all of this I beleive God has a plan and that this must be part of it. I just don't understand it. I accept it, but don't get it. I have a feeling that as she crys through the night I will be joining her. I'm just so tired I don't think I can keep from it.