Drowning

There are days when the water rises too high and too fast to keep yourself dry. There are days when the waves start to come so quickly that its all you can do to pull your head up and recover before the next one slams into you and pulls you right back under. There are days when you are so close to drowning that you wonder if you should even keep trying or just allow the water to overtake you and go with it. Today is one of those days for me.

Getting wet is eminent. There is no way for us to stay dry this time. It feels as though drowning is on the horizon and I'm just too tired and too discouraged to even fight it. I think I'm just gonna roll with the waves and allow them to take us wherever they chose and if thats under then I'm going to have let it happen.

Ash is sick. Her little cold has her temperature rising, her heart rate racing, and her tummy churning. I'm beginning to think its more than just a little cold. Something is invading and her systems are reacting. I'm doing my best to keep her above the water, but I've swallowed a lot of it and my arms are really tired.

I've got calls into the doctors in Shreveport hoping for an admission and a scope. None of the offices open for another hour and a half, so I've got a little time to pack us up. Longview will no longer take us because they just aren't equipped to care for her. I've never had to go straight to Shreveport before so this is new territory. I have no idea if they will get us in or not or even if they have room for us. All I can do is my best.

I briefly spoke with the kids on their way out the door and tried to explain that Ash is sick again. I could instantly see the disappointment in their eyes. Allie's eyes went straight to the countdown on the refrigerator. She didn't mention a word about the trip, but the whole time I was talking she was counting how many days we had left until it was time to go. I told her how sorry I was, but that I didn't want her to come home from school today and not know where we were if we happen to be gone. Blake went into panic mode. "What about my uniform, what about the game, How am I getting there?" Nothing selfish in those questions. He just runs on schedule. Everything in his life works like clockwork when I'm home and getting out of the routine sends him into a panic. He has a game in Henderson this afternoon. I don't know how I'm getting him there just yet. Tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat as I explained how I was hoping to keep us in Shreveport, but that Omaha wanted us out there. He nodded and walked out the door. I wanted to drown at that moment. One baby who is ill, one who is worried, one who is heart broken and scared. Sometimes this really sucks! Please forgive me, but it just does.

Dave stepped into our room, said, "Maybe she's just sick this time. With something normal?" Then even my rainbow and daisies kind of of guy followed up with this, " I always hope that and its never, ever happened." He kissed me on the head and walked out. He too feels the water rising.

Please don't tell me that it's still Christmas even if were not together. Don't remind me that it doesn't really matter. It's not and it does. At least in our lives. This hurts and there is no way around it. Our sweet baby is sick and we can do nothing but keep trying to give her the best life possible. In our opinion that life shouldn't have to be lived in a stinkin hospital bed. I'm sorry if thats ugly. I know it is. I'm just hurting and the water is way above my feet by now and rising quickly.

Any prayers for Ash, for Blake and Al would be greatly appreciated. I'll let you know when and how far we are headed. Trish