Its back

It was gone for three whole days. Ironically? the three worst days of Ash's swelling this week. Is that coincidence or just God giving me a little break by only having one pressing issue at a time and also giving Ash's body a break by only having one issue to battle at a time? I'll just say its God cause I kinda think it works that way. The way that I know He cares how much is on our plates at one time so He kind of puts something else on the back burner even if only for 3 days. Anyway, our little friend "dumping" is back and showing himself in a mighty way. Along with the swelling and dumping she's been battling comes a lot of hours and days of not feeling very good. That's the way we live at this time and seems to be the way we have lived the vast majority of her days since Oct. 5 of last year.

I'm trying not to get discouraged about it all, but to be honest I can't help but wonder if this is as good as its ever going to get. I mean, we have moments or possibly an hour here or there where she is back to being her "normal" Ashley self, but all of the in between moments are making me crazy with concern for our pickle. I so desperately want her to have happy, feeling good, growing, moving, learning kind of days again. Lots and lots and lots of them in a row. Will she ever be where she was last year again? I just don't know if she will. I honestly don't.

Last night we walked in from Blake's basketball game to find a happy, smiley, playing Ashley Kate full of giggles and signs and nonsense. It was wonderful and refreshing. I was so happy for her. We all enjoyed listening to her and playing with her. I was so encouraged. Then this morning we find ourselves battling to feel good once again. Its just so discouraging to see her be sick over and over again.

My mind is starting to struggle with a lot right now. We have so much to do. So much to learn. So much to accomplish. Will we ever be able to teach her what she needs to know? Will I ever figure out how to teach her even the basics of life? Dave and I have lots and lots of conversations about where and how we are going to do all of these things. Its a frustrating maze I find us in. Even if she doesn't walk, or talk, or eat she still has a very smart mind that wants to learn and grow. How do I learn how to teach our little girl to be all that she has the ability to be? I'm lost. Totally overwhelmed and lost in a world that I never imagined she and I would be trapped in. But we are in that world and I have to find and figure out what resources we have to make it the best possible world for her. Still in order to do all of these things she has to be well, and she's not. At this time she is struggling to feel good enough to even be out of her bed. If we can't get well enough to stay up then how are we to learn to read? or write? or move? or communicate? or function? Like I said I'm just so lost.

I feel like I'm drowning in my own thoughts this morning. I just need this child to feel good again so that she can start living again.

P.S. We are leaving town this afternoon and won't be back until Sunday evening. Just didn't want you to worry when you don't hear from us. Talk to you sometime Sunday or Monday. Enjoy your weekend. Trish