Tough Questions

I never know when to expect them. They just stumble out of their mouths every now and then. Usually we are doing nothing special that relates to the question and I often wonder "what brought that on?" when they ask them. I imagine its just the burden they carry on their young hearts.

Sunday morning as I was fixing Allison's hair she said, "Mom, you know how babies go to heaven if they die? We believe that right?"

"Yes, thats what I believe."

"Then what happens if Ash dies?" she wondered out loud.

That came out of no where! I swallowed hard and said, "What do you mean what happens?"

"Do we believe that she will get to go to heaven? I mean she's not a baby anymore, but she can't understand who Jesus is. Will she go to heaven when she dies?"

I assured her that yes, I believe Ashley Kate would go on to heaven to be with Jesus if she were to die.

"Good, cause I don't think it would be fair if she didn't. She doesn't understand and she can't ask Jesus to come into her heart. She doesn't even talk."

Wow. I wondered how long her heart held onto that burden and how many days she had spent thinking of it. Or maybe it just popped into her head that morning as I adjusted her ponytail? Either way, I assured Allison that I believed that God was a just God. A who God is fair and who would never allow a person to die without having the opportunity to hear the gospel first. I told her about how His word tells us that nature itself points to Him. I hope I answered her question the right way. I had never really thought about it. I mean the part about her not being an infant anymore. I'm not sure my answer was Biblical. I'm not even sure it speaks to this matter in the Bible, but I know that Jesus did say to allow the children to come unto Him. I guess thats where my belief comes from. All I am sure of is that He loves her. More than I can comprehend, and in that moment my answer gave Allie the peace that she needed to move on about her day.

Such heavy thoughts.

Ashley Kate will be going in for her procedures in the morning. We are scheduled to check in at 9:30 and they have added an endoscopy onto the ileoscopy. Two separate procedures taking biopsies from both ends. They will go down her throat, into her esophagus and stomach looking for ulcerations or abnormalities caused from all the vomiting. Next they will scope into her small bowel entering through ileostomy. Again looking for abnormalities, ulcers, and suspicious areas. The biopsies will be sent out to Nebraska and then based on those results we will develop a plan. As far as I know there is nothing that can be done to stop the vomiting, but if there are ulcers then hopefully we will be able to treat them and make her more comfortable. The other answer that will come from the tissue samples is whether or not she is still in rejection. That part makes me sick to my stomach. A clear biopsy is what we need. I don't even want to consider what will happen if its not clear.

Ash is still struggling with nausea and fevers today. She hasn't vomited since 3 this morning, but is very nauseated. She feels weak and yucky and just not that happy. She is especially cuddly and if there is a good side to her not feeling well it would have to be that. She just wants to be rocked. I kind of enjoy that.

I'm hoping to be back home in time to pick up Blake from school. The surgeon's office said that was the plan anyway. That is if things go according to plan. Dave and Allison will be home late tomorrow evening. Blake and I are looking forward to that. I know their having a great time.

Enjoy your evening. I'm going to rock my gherkin till someone falls asleep. Not saying who I think that will be, but its going to be a close race. Take care my friends. Trish