In the Pit

There is a place inside of me where my deepest fears lie. A place that I hide the thoughts that arise each time she doesn't look quite right, or acts a little too fussy, or just isn't herself. I try so very hard not to allow them to surface, but it seems the more I try to ignore them the heavier they become. The physical feeling that takes place inside my stomach, in the very pit of my stomach, is almost too much for me. I become ill as I fight against fear, memories, and worry.

Tonight I'm fighting. As I lay here with her next to me I will it to go away. To be a fluke. To pass. Yet its here again. It was here last night too. After making it through the day with laughter and giggles, swim time and play I breathed a sigh of relief and told myself it was over. Now, I'm not so sure. What is happening? Is our normal about to be turned upside down and inside out once again? Please, God not again. Never again. Please!

It began yesterday. She woke up, smiled at me, coughed and then got very still. Really still. I could see it on her face. She was willing it not to happen. Then...it did. Vomit. Out of nowhere it showed up. I cleaned her up, whispered a prayer, and the heaviness inside of me began. Her teacher came, school was over, she played and then early afternoon she got very still. I saw it coming from the look on her face, grabbed a towel and caught as much of it as I could. Her therapist came, she worked very hard and seemed to be feeling just fine. I didn't call Dave. I didn't want to think anything could be wrong. Last night 4 more episodes. We both went running down the hall with each cough, each whimper, each stir throughout the night. Then morning came and her eyes sparkled. They truly did. Dave and I had a conversation about the look her eyes hold each morning as she opens them up. It is something we have never seen before our Ashley Kate and something we've never seen in any other since. Its truly magical to see the life inside of her. Her day was wonderful. The fear was all for not. No reason to worry, just a bug of some type because she showed NO evidence of feeling bad all day long. But...

...its now after 11pm and I heard her stir, got up to check and just as I arrived next to her bed it began all over again. To pretend that I'm not sick to my stomach as I type this post would be ridiculous. My heart is pounding, my stomach is hurting, and my mind is reeling. Fear is an overwhelming thing. I know we aren't to succumb to it. As believers I know its wrong. It just is not of God, but yet it proves to be my biggest struggle. Its something I haven't gotten control of in almost 5 years. Before my Ashley was born I don't have a single memory of ever feeling it. Not true fear. Not like this. Not like I've experienced during her lifetime and that I'm fighting off at this moment. I'm terrified of it all slipping away from us. Terrified!

I don't know what is going on inside of her little body. It could be nothing and yet its the knowledge that it could be something that has that pit inside of me feeling so very heavy tonight. I hate it that I can't find peace. I hate it that I can't ever just breathe. I hate it that I always allow the fear to well up inside me. I hate knowing how bad the bad times can be and hate knowing how truly wonderful the good times are.

Father, please don't allow her life to change. Please protect her. Protect that fragile bowel. Protect her life. Protect her normal. Please, please, please bring peace and comfort and healing to whatever is going on. The one You love is not well tonight. Intervene. In Jesus name.