Peace? Can it be found?
Its so very easy to say. To talk about. To think you will have it when the time comes it is needed. Actually acquiring it, living it, breathing it, and believing it is something entirely different.
Our journey here has always been an honest one. In times we have felt an overwhelming peace that came from Him, and then there are those times when I can't seem to even find Him let alone feel the peace that can only come from him.
In word it is so easy, in walk I have found it is not.
The place I find myself in lately is an uneasy one. No rest. Only Fear. Anxious. The place I desire to be is in the middle of His grace with that overwhelming, unexplainable peace flowing over me.
My heart is so heavy. As I watch Ash slip from stability, normality, and living, to this weak, unknowing state, the heaviness in my heart is physical. I can feel the weight of the fear inside of me. I live on the verge of tears daily. Fighting them back, willing them not to fall in front of my children, my husband, my friends.
Trusting in God's plan is not always an easy thing to do. You can know in your heart that what He has in store is right and you can know He IS trustworthy, but accepting it is the hardest part for me. He knows my thoughts and so hiding them is ridiculous. I'm afraid. Afraid of what His will for my Ashley will be. I want her life to be easy, to be carefree, to be filled with joy and happiness. I am reminded today that what I want may not be what He has planned for her.
As much as I desire to be at rest and trust Him at this time, I have the memories and the experiences to remind me that my daughter's life is fragile and can be taken in a moments notice. You see, even though I trust Him I still fear Him and His power. Even though I know that if He did choose to take her from my home to His she would be ok, I still can't fathom not having her in mine. I want Ash to be well. I want our carefree days to return. I want to wake up and play all day, not watch her lie still from a lack of strength.
Its not about me though, its about HIM. Accepting that is hard when it involves the life of one of your children. It really, really is, and that's about as honest I can be.
"Fear not, for I have redeemed Ashley Kate. I have summoned her by name, She is mine. When she passes through the rivers they will not sweep over her. When she walks through the fire, she will not be burned, the flames will not set her ablaze."
He loves her more than I do. I'll never really be able to understand that love because there are not words to describe HOW MUCH I LOVE HER, but I trust Him when He promises me that He does.
We are waiting on lab results to come through. She may be dehydrated again. She may require an admission for IV fluids to help her through this once again. We just don't know what all she needs at this time. I'm desperately hoping her labs don't tell us she needs to go in. I'm hoping she will perk up at any moment and show me that she is in fact fine. I'm also hoping to find peace in whatever comes. At this moment I'm just consumed with heartache and fear of the unknown. Its exhausting.