30 Minutes Out

The ambulance is 30 minutes out from arrival. Please lift Ashley Kate up as we are traveling over and getting her settled into her room. Its ALWAYS a circus type atmosphere with lots and lots of intrusions to her tiny body. She feels so bad this morning and all the maneuvering and touching her is not going to be easy for her.

I have no Internet access while in Shreveport. At some point Dave will travel over and we will trade phones so that I can give updates.

I'm holding it together. Tears are falling but just sad tears not panic type tears. We've done this. 4 other times and she can do this again. All her vitals are stable. Her respiratory status is strong. She is weak, uncomfortable. and exhausted, but stable. That is a huge praise. I dread the OR and the attempt at line placement. The last two attempts have ended in failure. I dread pathology. I would be completely content to never, ever, never hear another word from UNMC pathology. For I know that a call from their department holds the key to her future.

We have no plans of going on to Nebraska. Our goals are to treat this rejection(if in fact it is) here as close to home as possible. Their is no magic in the walls of the transplant hospital. The first two rounds of attack are the exact same protocol in any hospital in the country. If in fact it does not work then we know we will be traveling. Dave and are committed to our family. We are also committed to Ashley Kate's well being. We will never compromise her life or her grafts. EVER. We also know that she heals faster when she is surrounded by her family. Mommy is not enough. Lots of prayers for direction over the next few days. Always remembering that we have 3 children and not just 1.

I won't even pretend that I'm ok with this. I'm not. I believe my God knows that. I'm frustrated. A little angry. Discouraged. Tired. A great deal disappointed. Its so hard to believe He has the power to turn this situation around or to heal her and yet may still choose not to. This is where faith becomes tried and tested. I may believe, but I don't think I will ever understand. I just don't.