Can I change His heart?

I lay my head down around 3am and thoughts were ever present. I had watched my sweet Ashley endure more than any one person should last night let alone a 4 year old baby. I started to pray that God would be merciful and touch her body, heal her bowel, restore to her the life she knew at home, and allow us to leave this place. Yet even as I prayed these things for my daughter I couldn't help but wonder can I change the heart of God? Are my words, my pleas, my requests making any difference in her life and on this course? I have no answer. No understanding. I'm at that place in my life where once I again I must choose to allow this faith I have in our God to become real or it will disappear in the struggle I am watching rage in my littlest one's body. When faced with the hurt and the intense pain I feel in my heart I can do one of two things. I can give up or I can trust. Whether you believe me or not I will honestly tell you its not an easy choice. Not when you've held the screaming, broken body of your beautiful baby down so that they can continue trying to help her.

Once she drifted off to sleep I stepped out into the hallway and as I walked toward the restrooms I said out loud "I trust You". The tears fell. I sobbed in the stall of the restrooms until I couldn't anymore. Till the tears dried up and were no longer any to fall. Its sound so easy "I trust You, You are God." Its not easy. Its not easy because I know that if it were up to me I would NOT choose this for Ashley Kate. I WOULD NOT. Trying to understand why He is choosing this for her is too much for my heart. If I keep trying to understand its going to destroy my faith in Him and I can't allow that to happen. Without it this situation will be hopeless. So I cling to the idea that perhaps I could change the heart of an almighty God? Maybe my brokenness over her broken body will reach His heart? Maybe the tears I'm shedding He is collecting to use for good in her life? Maybe?

To trust Him with Ashley hurts. Its not coming to me easily. He is trustworthy. He is trustworthy. He is trustworthy. He can turn this around. He can. I know He can. What a parallel it is. My sweet Ashley looks to me with her eyes, tear falling, and tells me she trusts me. Yet I'm doing nothing to stop the hurt she is enduring. I'm looking to the Father with my eyes, the tears are falling, and I'm saying I trust you. Yet, I wonder is He doing anything to stop the hurt?

Can He stop this? Yes. Will He? I don't know, but I do know that He loves her and He loves me. If I didn't believe that then this situation would be hopeless. So for this moment I'm trusting and when the next moment comes I will force myself to say the same thing and then the next and the next and the next. But...I'm scared. He could have spared the suffering of His own Son and did not. Praise Him that He did not. He can spare the suffering of my daughter, but He may not. Will I be able to praise Him if He does not.