Tonight as I worked with Ashley Kate's meds I found myself staring at this beautiful little girl that lay sleeping so soundly. I pulled back her pj's to expose one lumen of her central line and was struck by the new pattern of veins that had emerged just underneath her skin. My eyes followed them across her chest and up her right shoulder and onto her neck. I just stared at her. For a long time I stared at those patterns across her torso, up her shoulders, down her arms, and onto her neck.
These were new. I know her patterns like I know my own name. Just something I can recognize, could even draw from memory if I was ever asked to(although I know I'll never need to have this ability:). In the past couple of days this new branch of patterns has emerged.
I have two schools of thought as I stare at my girl.
The first is this, "Wow...her veins are really struggling. Clotting, scarring, becoming blocked by the long term intrusion of her central line." Honestly, its very scary to see the hundreds of collateral branches.
The second is this, "Wow...its amazing how God created her. Allowing her to compensate and continue the flow of blood to her body despite the intrusion, scarring, blocking, and struggling of her vein branches." Honestly, its very comforting to see how much He is taking care of her.
Fear and wonder all mixed together.
Survival despite the obstacles.
Gratitude no matter the source of the pattern.
I traced those patterns ever so lightly with my finger tips. Feeling the softness of her skin on my fingers. Whispering to no one really how very much I love her. I really, really love her. In the stillness of her room my heart is overwhelmed with the goodness of our God and the gifts He has given me through the life and struggle of my youngest daughter.