A new year

Its a new year and I find myself struggling to write even one word here in this place that has become so very precious to me over the years.  I have thought day after day that I need to write something... anything...just a word or two at least, and yet I put it off until the day is done and then I find myself thinking the same thing the next day.  Tonight as the date on the bottom of the screen caught my eye I see that we are already 6 days into this new year and I have shared...nothing.

I can't assign a reason or even come up with an excuse as to why.  I want to write...to share...to open the windows of my heart and allow so much to come spilling out on to this page and yet...I don't.  I'm in a strange place.

So where do I even begin?

 There is so much I could say.

 Probably should say.

  I could begin with all thats been going on in our world.

 I could share that Allie's knee is out...again...and we are struggling with what to do to best help her get through these hard,hard days of being sidelined...again.

 I could share that Blake is having an amazing basketball season this year averaging about 15 pts. a game and just how fun it is to get to be his mom as I sit in the stands and watch him play the game that I loved coaching so very much.

 I could go into detail about just how sick my sweet Ashley Kate has been and currently is.  There is much going on in her tiny body and staying on top of it is wearing me out.  I know I should talk about this in detail mainly because I need for you all to know how best to pray for her at this time, but to be honest it is draining me just to think about writing it.  Some days it is just so overwhelming and heartbreaking.  Just know that she is sick.  Really sick right now and needs your prayers.  Her liver is sick.  She is battling a very stubborn line infection, and she has an awful upper respiratory infection that is proving to be very difficult on her.  The needed antibiotics are very, very hard on her already struggling liver and its function.

I think what I will finally share here is this...We want to teach Ashley Kate how to stand.

Dave and I have decided to focus on this one thing this year to try and make her life and ours a little easier.  Our hope for Ash this year is that we will be able to teach her how to stand.  On her own little feet.

 Not walk.

 Not run.

 Not hop or jump or skip.

 Just stand.

 If we could master that one goal I believe the year of 2013 would be life changing.  For her and for us.  I don't think this is out of reach for her.  I don't think it will be easy for her either.  I know we face a huge challenge attempting it, but we need this for her.  Currently she is non weight bearing on her right foot.  Its been 2 and 1/2 years since her heel injury and she has never been able to bear weight on the foot since the incident.  I don't know if it is merely phsycological or actually painful for her, but she will not stand on the heel at all.  She keeps her knee bent in order not to have to put her foot flat on the floor.

So, God willing, this year we hope to teach our girl how to stand.  I think we have always just figured she could learn to walk and yet never even stopped to think  that she might need to know how to stand.  I'm not sure how this step was skipped over in all the years of therapy and such, but the other night Dave decided we might need to back up and start with her gaining the ability to stand on her two little feet before we push her to walk with them.  I sat there and thought to myself, "Wow, hes right.  How did we miss this?"   Once our sweet girl is feeling up to a little hard work we are going to get started.  Maybe, just maybe this could be the year.  After all, she did learn how to turn the lights on and off for us when we are entering or leaving the room.  It may have taken two years of working on it to get her there, but I can't tell you how very proud we all are of her for knowing how to help us.  Better yet, I don't have words to tell you how very proud she is of being able to do it!   Its the little things that make our hearts happy in her world.  What doesn't take a second thought for me to accomplish takes years of teaching for her to understand.

As we move into this new year with our little one we have so many hopes, so many dreams, so many desires for her and for what we want her life to be.  I find myself to be very, very emotional these days as I watch her struggle.  I also find my heart to be so very grateful. Its a complex balance between what I wish life was and what I'm so thankful that it is.  Maybe one day soon I'll get to the place where I allow it all to spill out onto these pages once again, but for today I think just scratching the surface is where I need to stay.