There are those moments...
...when I find myself staring...wishing...wondering... longing...for her life to be what theirs is.
When I catch myself watching the little girls chase each other more than I am watching my son who is out on that field.
When I listen to the chatter that goes back and forth between those little girls each week and I feel the sting inside of me as I wonder what she would add to the conversation if only she could.
Yeah, if I'm being totally honest...there are those moments.
But then I have a moment like I did tonight with my tiny girl and all the longing and wishing and wondering fades away and I'm just content. Mostly because she is content.
We sat on the edge of her new bed ... her on my lap, head resting on my shoulder, and me smelling the sweetness of her freshly braided hair. She was still and peaceful and so, so precious. I was tired and weary and needing to find rest.
I rocked and sang and loved on our sweet Ashley until I had almost put myself to sleep. I held her there for what seemed like forever and when I finally laid her down she pulled up her covers and nestled herself in for the night. I watched my girl as she wiggled herself comfortable and thought how proud I am that she can pull up her own blankets. Silly I know, but its something I always seem to feel so proud of her for being able to do all by herself. There's not too many things that she can do all by herself, but this is one of them. I could feel the smile spreading across my heart as I watched her.
You know what? I couldn't love her any more if she were running in circles with the little girls at the ballpark. I couldn't be more proud of her if she were a part of their silly conversations. Even though I still feel the occasional sting as I sit back and wonder "what if", I know without a doubt how very blessed I am to have her in my life.
Oh, sweet Ash, do you even know how very much your mommy loves you?
Even though there are those moments.