Since the Last Time...

Its been quite a few days since the last time we talked.  In that time there have been some really good days and some really hard days.  I'd like to say that everything has been great, but the truth is that it just has not been.

Ashley Kate's line infection has proven to be the longest and most stubborn we've had up to this point.  She has had several days of break through fevers that left her motion less and miserable.  She can run a continuous fever for more than 48 hours without breaking and during those days it gets so hard.  I've spent a lot of time crying last week.  I think the exhaustion of caring for Ash when she's so miserable in combination with just the physical care I have to give to her on a daily basis left me depleted.  It would seem though that just when I thought the fevers would never end the she would wake up and have a good day full of smiles and giggles.  Just in time for me to recoup and get a grip on my own emotion.  The best way to describe this time that we've been going through is that its had its ups and downs.

On top of the cares that are necessary  there is the constant worry of  how we will ever clear this infection and if we can't then what does that mean for Ash and the future.

I've been quiet simply because I don't know what to share.  I stare at the screen and want to write about all the good, happy, and blessed moments, but then it feels so fake because there are a lot of not so good, unhappy, and frightening moments mixed in.  My heart is so heavy some days just wondering where this is all headed and how will she ever survive it.  It hurts to think too much and so then I do my best to concentrate on the blessings.

We finally switched antibiotic coverage and within an hour of the first infusion we had our first break in her fever for days.  I was so relieved to see her smile and play and to feel her cool skin.  I am hopeful that this will be the key to getting clear blood cultures.  We've been working on this current infection for 10 weeks now.  Constant antibiotic coverage that is necessary but also damaging to her liver and kidneys.  We really need to get rid of this infection.

Today was a good day.  Ash was happy and feeling good.  She laughed so much it was contagious as the sounds filtered from room to room.  I found myself sitting still and concentrating on the sounds of her joy filled laughter.  I so needed that today.  I am so grateful.

I wanted to take a moment just to give an update on our sweet girl.  I know its been too long, but I was hoping to have good news to share.  I just kept waiting and waiting for things to turn around for good.  I'm hopeful that we are there.  She has been fever free for 3 days now.  I'm taking that as a good sign and jumping at the chance to update on a day that I'm not emotionally drained.

Thank you so very much for your prayers and your concern.  You will surely never know how very much you words continue to encourage us.