Happy 8th Birthday

Good Morning Ashley Kate,

You did it!  I'm SO proud of you my sweet girl.  This morning you opened your eyes on your 8th birthday.  My heart is overwhelmed by the thought that you have turned 8 years old.  What a journey it has been to arrive here on this day.  I was so afraid...so afraid...just days ago that you would not be here to celebrate with us this morning.  But...YOU ARE!  YOU ARE HERE! and my heart could not feel more blessed as I listen to you wake down the hall.  

Sweet Ash how do I even put into words all my heart wants and needs to say to you on the morning of your 8th birthday?  There are SO many things I want you to know.  

I love you.  The words seem so simple and are said so often, but I do sweet girl.  Your mommy loves you more than I have ever loved or will ever be able to love again.  Even before that first moment I laid eyes on you I was in love with you.  I had dreamed of you.  I had longed for you. I had prayed for you.  In those first few moments of learning you were here I knew that you were mine.  I knew.  It didn't matter who, or what, or all that lay between us...I knew in my heart that God had given you to me.  I've never for one moment doubted that you were meant to be our baby.  I've always known.  

Ashley Kate there are so many struggles that have come your way this year.  So many hard, hard days you are battling your way through.  Even now I listen to the sounds of your struggle and my heart hurts so deeply because of it.  How I wish that I could take it from you.  I would give ANYTHING to make this easier for you.  There are moments when I find myself praying over you begging for help, for ease, for comfort, and for rest.  There are moments when I lie awake down the hall crying so hard I feel as though I'll never stop because I can hear the struggle you are enduring.  Through it all you continue to show this world how amazing our God is.  You've never once stopped being a testimony that He is good.  I wonder some days if that is the why behind this all?  Were you meant to show the world, a least our little piece of it, that in the midst of an unbearable struggle, He is still God?  Still in control?  Still good?  

Last night you once again showed me that He is still good.  I can't count the number of times I've seen that through your life.  After days and days of struggle, weeks without a smile or a laugh, I heard that beautiful sound that I'd been missing so very much.  I listened to your silly laughter spill out and OH the medicine it was for my soul!  How desperately I needed to know that you still felt joy, and happiness, and love.  

I've searched my heart trying to figure out a way to celebrate this day with you.  I wondered what could we do today that would bring you joy?  For you deserve nothing else my sweet girl...you deserve to feel joy on your birthday...you do.  So I think we will just drive today.  Because I know by the look in your eyes when the world is passing by your window that you do feel joy while we are driving.  Even on your hardest days, you have a look in your eyes and a peace on your face that only comes when we are driving along.  So today precious girl, for as long as you desire, for as many hours as it takes, we will go driving to celebrate your special day.  We will stop by your rooster and we will talk to him, and sing silly songs, and I think that today we may even get out of the car and allow you to reach out and touch him.  

I honestly don't know how many more birthdays we will celebrate together sweet girl, but my heart longs for so many more than 8.  I desperately want more, but if God chooses to not give those birthdays to us to spend together I'll know in my heart that we had 8 amazing years of birthdays that held joy, happiness, and blessing.  I'll know that we never once failed to celebrate your life, and your presence, and your precious, precious fight.  

Happy Birthday Ashley Kate, there has never been another that has ever been loved more than you my sweet girl.  I'm praying for you today.  I'm praying for happiness and joy to be showered on you today.  I'm praying for ease of discomfort and struggle for today.  I'm praying today and every day of your life for you my beautiful girl.  You are loved.  Today and forever.  Love, Mom