Hiding sounds so inviting
Its 1am and I sitting in our family room waiting for Ashley Kate's med to finish infusing.
My heart is heavy and I so wish that for one day, or one hour, or even one moment that it would feel light again. I fear though that my heart will never feel lighter again. The weight of it all is crushing me and almost a physical bearing down inside of my chest is felt every minute of every single day now. I cry so easily at random moments through the day and night. I've tried so, so hard to keep the tears from falling while in front of Dave or the kids, but they just fall out of my eyes now. Its sad. I'm sad. I know I have no business being around anyone because although I try and sit with a normal expression across my face I know that my eyes are telling my story to anyone who looks close enough. I know you can see my shattered heart through them because I do when I look in the mirror. If I could hide away in our home away from every single person outside of the 5 of us I would. I know I would. I can't though because I'm a mom and I have to get out there and do things for my kids. I have to be present with them and for them and because of them, but I honestly would never step into the outside world if it weren't for the two of them.
I'm so proud of our teenagers. They are so full of grace and kindness and compassion as we watch our baby endure this journey. They are amazing people. Seriously they amaze me. They encourage me daily with their words and thoughts. Although I know they are afraid for Ash and their hearts are aching, I see such maturity and such growth in each of them.
We are just a few days away from celebrating our sweet Ashley's 8th birthday year with all of our friends and family. My heart is blessed knowing that those who are coming are doing so out of their love for us. They have loved, supported, stood by, prayed, and encouraged us along the way year after year, struggle after struggle, victory after victory. I'm so afraid I'm going to fall apart on Saturday. I want so desperately to be happy and to enjoy every minute of the celebration, but the tears fall even though I will them not to. My siblings are all coming to see our sweet baby and although I've struggled to find words to even speak to them the last few months, my heart is overwhelmed with the knowledge that my best friends in this world will be here. We've had so, so many people come and go as we journey through Ashley's life, but I never have to wonder if my sisters and my brother will be here when we need them. They've just always been there. Always. No matter the cost or the sacrifice they have been near. I'm so incredibly thankful for each of them. I'm looking forward to sharing this day with them and with all those who are planning to attend.
I am excited about her party. Its what I do when I don't know what else to do...I plan parties. I've had some emotional moments the last few days as I finalize details and set up props. I think it may be one of the sweetest celebrations we've ever created. My hope is that Ashley Kate is able to see something, anything, that will bring a smile to her face or put the twinkle back in her eyes. She's been so ill and so uncomfortable the last two weeks. I'm hopeful she'll have a good hour or two.
The next few days are going to be busy, busy, busy. I don't know when or if I'll sit down long enough to write, but please know that your prayers are so appreciated. They are carrying me through from day to day. I know that they are because my strength is gone. I am merely being carried along by grace and the prayers of those who love us. I'll never be able to thank you guys enough for standing in the gap.