Celebration of Life and the Letter from her Mommy

Dear Ash,

There is so very much to say to you my sweet girl and yet the words to say it fail to come to me because they could never truly express what my heart wants and needs to say to you..  There are no words.

Did you know your mommy loves you?

 I do. I love you Ash.   I loved you so very much my beautiful girl.  So very much.  Each morning I open my eyes and my heart breaks again with the realization that I will never kiss you, or touch you, or whisper to you how very much you are loved again.  My heart is shattered because we lost you, and yet it rejoices because I know that you have won.  You did win my girl.  Your battle is over and you have come out the victor.  I am so proud of you.  You did so good!

Sweet Ash, you were the baby I had dreamed of.  You were the gift from the Father that was truly undeserved and I’ll never know why you were entrusted into my care, but I’m so grateful that you were.  I am not the same.  I will never be the same.  From the moment I knew you were here God began to work inside of me and even now He continues that work.  As painful as this moment is, and every moment from the one that you left us, I still know that He is working.  He is good.

I never knew joy until I saw you.  I never knew what it meant until the instant that I laid my eyes on your beautiful face.  I will never forget how it felt as it welled up inside of me.  Looking back over the past 8 years to that moment I see now that it was only the beginning.  You WERE joy.  You knew how to express joy more than any person I had ever known.  The sounds of your laughter, the twinkle in your eyes, the expressions on your face…all true, unabashed, JOY. 

 Oh, how I miss your giggle.  Our home is quiet now.  I lay at night and I listen for you.  Just one more giggle…one more night of your laughter spilling down the hall to our room…I miss you.  I long for you.  I needed you in my life. 

Ashley Kate, I don’t understand why you were asked to leave us.  I’ll never understand, but I know in my heart that you my sweet girl had a purpose to fulfill and never has another done what they were asked to do better than you.  We are proud of you.  You not only changed our hearts, but you changed the hearts of all who came to know you, to love you, and to pray for you.  We will never be the same.  You taught us to be the people we are today, and as I look at your big brother and your big sister I know that they are who they are because they had you. They are better because they knew you…better because they loved you… We are better because we had you.

I will never feel a rain drop, or hear a bird sing, or pass a metal rooster, or start my car, or drive over a speed bump, or take a breath, or laugh, without thinking of you.  You taught me to look for the little things in this world and realize that everything is a gift.  Thank you for that.  Thank you for teaching me more than I ever taught you.

We are broken.  Daddy’s heart is broken.  You loved him so well and so much more than anyone else.  Bubba hasn’t given a high five since the day you left.  Allie has no one left to tell about the important stuff.  You could keep a secret better than anyone…couldn’t you.  She loved you and trusted you.  I miss you. I have no one to spend my days with now.  I will miss you every minute of every day for the rest of this life. 

Ashley Kate, did you know...Mommy loves Ashley…and Daddy loves Ashley… and Blake loves Ashley…and Allie loves Ashley…and Jesus loves Ashley….and since I can no longer whisper those words in your ears I trust that Jesus will…until we meet again  our hearts long for heaven and they long for you.  You are loved, and wanted and you belonged to someone…you were one of us…you were an Adams.  I am more than proud to say that you represented God and you represented our family to this world.  You did a good job.  If the four of us can follow in your footsteps then I know that a day will come when the Father says to us…well done. 

May Jesus come quickly and take us home.  I love you, Mommy