Rain

She loved the rain.  Loved to see it fall, and hear it fall, and feel it fall.

There have been a lot of rainy days since our sweet Ashley Kate left for her eternal home.  A lot of rainy days that cause me to long for her so deeply that I fear the emptiness I feel as the drops fall on my skin will never end.

Every time it rains I am overwhelmed with thoughts of my beautiful girl,  and the loss of her presence in our lives hurts deeper than I could have ever imagined it would.  I would give anything to sit next to her and allow the rain to fall on us just one more time.

It hurts so much when it rains and yet it heals a little too.  I think it hurts so much because it magnifies her absence,  and yet it almost heals my heart a little with every drop because I remember her so clearly her while its falling.  Does that make any sense at all?

There aren't many things in this life that help me feel her next to me.  All those things people say about their loved ones never really leaving... I'm sure you've heard them too...  there not true.  Ash is not near by.  She is not with us.  She is not here anymore.  She has gone away.  Gone somewhere so far from us that I can't reach, or feel, or hear, or see her anymore.  She is gone, and yet my faith tells me that she lives.  Somewhere.  Just not here.  Not on this earth.  Not in my home.  Not in my arms.  Her soul lives and sometimes Dave has to remind me that she is more alive now than she has ever been.  How is that? How does that work?  I have no idea to be perfectly honest.  I just have to believe that its truth because if its not I'll go mad.  If she's not living with her creator and all that remains of her is what lies on the other side of that stone etched with her name then I'll not survive this.  I will not.

My precious Ash was moved to her final resting place.  I never imagined anything would be harder than enduring the day we first took her there, but staring at the day of her final placement before us proved to be harder still.  The tears fell and my heart felt as though it would burst.  I missed her so much that I felt I couldn't catch my breath.  I was finally allowed to place flowers next to her name. I found that I never wanted to walk away now that her body is there, and her name sits upon the stone, and her flowers have been placed.  The combination of all three made it feel so very different. Knowing that what I held in my arms was just on the other side of HER stone made it so very hard to walk away.  HER name etched there, flowers that were chosen just for HER and ribbon that had HER name embroidered on it made it feel so very different.  This is HER space.  It is HER final place.  I can't go to her room and find anything of her there.  I can't sit in her playroom and be close to what is left of her.  I can't.  I can however go to HER space and know that what is left, all that remains of my daughter is on the other side of that stone.  How odd it feels to be living in this place.  The place where her soul, her spirit, her laughter, is gone and yet her body, her bones, her hair remains sealed in a vault behind a stone that now bears her name.  What a nightmare! One that I can't wake up from.

Oh how I miss her.  The rain hurts and heals.  I feel so desperate for her when it rains and yet I long to feel it rain.  If I could have my way I'd make it rain every day.  Just so her memory would spill down on me and cover me and soak me.

I'm beginning to plan how to memorialize her life.  Ways that will help her be remembered.  Its a confusing maze of what to do, how to do it, what channels to go through.  I think I had to get to the other side of her final placement before I could voice aloud what I hope to accomplish in her memory.  It all spilled out that very day and my husband sat across from me a little stunned I think.  I hadn't shared any of it with him or anyone.  I hesitate to share the plans for fear of not being able to accomplish them.  I would be so ashamed if I had made public what I want to do and yet fell short of making it happen.  I do have goals and plans and projects that are beginning to take shape.  I think its important to share that much.

Much to my disappointment the rain has stopped.  That always seems to happen, and with its absence I begin to feel sad and long for it to start up again.