Christmas Time...Again

Missing the moments like this one tonight.

Precious memories.

Its Christmas time

...again

and your not here.

  Its the third Christmas we've spent without you home here with us. How can that be?  I still look for you everyday...I'm still trying to wake from this horrible dream... I still catch myself checking your room as I walk by to see if your resting peacefully.  How can we be celebrating our third Christmas without you already?  It doesn't seem possible.

 My heart aches for you tonight, and I wonder how precious would you be as I tucked you into your bed this Christmas Eve.  At ten years old would your eyes still twinkle and would your giggle still spill out all over us if we could of kissed your sweet face tonight? As I sit by the tree Daddy is asleep next to me on the couch, and the tears are falling from my eyes making the glow of its lights blurry.  More than anything this Christmas I wish I could give him another day with you.  Nothing we want can be purchased and wrapped up to place under the tree, because all we want is to have another moment with you.  Just a minute, another memory, a moment in time to touch you, hold you, and love on you.  If only it was within my reach to give that to him.  Its all he wants.  Its all any of us want.

Sweet Ash, it hurts so very much to be away from you on Christmas Day.

Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas anymore.

We've surrounded ourselves with the memories of Christmas' past and the images brought to mind bring joy to our hearts.  Remembering the times we spent together with you and your brother and sister heal our hurts even if only a little.  We were so blessed to parent the three of you together.  There was joy and laughter in our home.  Our hearts are comforted by the knowledge  that you were loved and you knew it.  You were happy and you showed it.  You laughed and you shared it.   You lived.  Truly lived.

I miss you everyday, but especially today...this Christmas Eve...this night it hurts...deeply.

Merry Christmas Ashley Kate, you are missed, you are loved, you are and forever will be close to our hearts.

  I love you sweet girl, Mommy.