Would have been 17 today

 Dear Ash,

I sit here alone with my memories of you .

Some happy and some sad.

Some good and some bad.

Some bring joy and others bring sorrow.

Still some comfort me and others seem to torment me.

Through them all I remain grateful.  Grateful because...

I got to love you.

I got to hold you.

I got to sing to you. 

I got to kiss you.

I played with you and took care of you.

I fell on my knees and I prayed for you.

I pleaded to God for you.

I begged Him to move for you.

I cried out for deliverance for you.  For mercy for you. For healing for you. 

He did move Ash.  He did.  He did deliver you. He did.  He did heal you. He did.  He showed mercy... Not how I wanted Him to... but I now know that He did. 

And now He is the one who holds you instead of me.  He now protects you where I failed to be able to.

He made you new.  You are whole.  You are healed.

And I am grateful. 

Today would have been your birthday.  Your 17th. I still find it hard to imagine how the years have continued to pass without you here with us.  Its now been 9 birthdays that you have spent away from us and in the presence of Jesus.  How has that happened? I fail to understand how our lives have continued since the moment yours ended.  

We spent the day remembering you.   

Dad and I looked through hundreds of photographs and watched countless videos of you.  We smiled...and...we cried.  I feel as though I've spent the entire day with tears washing over my face. Tears since I woke.  Tears as we took gifts to the hospital in your memory today.  Tears as I sat across the table from your dad at lunch and listened to him try and imagine what a 17 year old Ashley would be like.  We both agreed that you would be beautiful...and opinionated.  That last part made us laugh through the tears.  I'm sure at 17 you would still be frustrated by our attempts to figure out your requests.  Oh how I would have loved to have your 17 year old self here to be upset with me! I shed more tears as we took birthday flowers to the place where you now rest.  I have such a hard time knowing that the only thing I have left of being your mom is taking flowers to your resting place.  Its the last piece of "taking" care of you that I have.  So that is what I do.  I take flowers to you and place pink and white ribbons at your memorial.  I go there and try  to make such a place beautiful for you (as though a place in a cemetery could actually be beautiful).  

We spent the day celebrating you.  Spilling kindness on others through random acts throughout the day.  We ended the day walking hand in hand talking about you.  Remembering how incredibly blessed we were for the years that God gave you to us.  Ash, you were so very loved.  Still you are so very loved.    

You are missed again today. Just like you are every day since you left. 

Our beautiful, beautiful eight year old Ashley.  Happy "17th" Birthday sweet girl. 

Your Daddy loves you, Blake loves you, Allie loves you and your mom loves you. Today and forever.

Forever loved...forever missed...forever eight