Waiting to Hold her hand

It is 6:30 and Ashley is not out of recovery yet. I am in the ICU waiting to see her so I can hold her little hand. Ash and I have a secret code that I will share with you. Every since the first time we met when I place my finger in her hand she gives me a squeeze to let me know how much she loves me. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world to be loved by Ashley. So now I wait so I can feel her warm little hand telling me she loves me.

Sometimes when I fall asleep I wake with a startle thinking that this is all some crazy nightmare and I have to run to Ash to see if its real. Sometimes the pain in my heart is so intense that I don't know if we are going to make it through those moments, and then I feel His presence surrounding me. How do I put into words how it feels when He lifts the fear from my heart and gives me those moments of peace? Without faith how do other parents survive this?

I am confident that He is working His plan and His purpose in Ashley's life, but I can't pretend that I understand. I do know that our children belong to Him and they were created to bring glory to the Father. I never want one moment of Ashley's life to do anything but that. I never would have imagined that my little girl would have to experience such pain in her life and it is breaking my heart, but when I see the life in her eyes and the fight in her spirit I am encouraged that we can do this.

The surgery did not reveal any obvious answers. No one knows why she is struggling so hard to breath. The infection in her body is trying to take her life but she will not give up. Her heart rate has been racing around 200 since Sunday and her WBC count is above 37. They "flushed" and cleaned everything out so I hope this will help her body fight. I am so grateful for the wisdom and skill God has granted to the surgeons. Ashley is in the fight and with God's help I know she can win. She wants to live I can see it in her eyes. She is full of life and has such a story to tell. We are using caution with Blake and Allie and have chosen not to burden their hearts with all of the information we are sharing with all of you. These are very hard decisions to make as a parent and I hope we are choosing wisely. Thank you to everyone who loves our Ashley and takes the time to keep up with her story. Your prayers are so valuable to my family. We love you guys.