The Roller Coaster

The transplant doctors tried to tell us what a roller coaster of events and emotion we should expect, but until you are on this ride you can't quite understand what they mean. Today I have been up and down with Ashley's condition. Tonight I began to feel an absolute panic and desperation as things were slowly being revealed to me. I knew Ash was struggling and I have said all day that she didn't seem right. Each time I spoke to someone they assured me that all of her difficulty breathing and elevated heart rate was somewhat normal. When I addressed my concerns with the charge nurse tonight she asked me why they were treating her with this very strong dose of anti-fungal drug. I had no idea. I was told that nothing had grown back on her lab work . Apparently sometime this afternoon a positive culture came back on the perineal fluid they drew out on Sunday night during her surgery. She is fighting a "yeast" type of infection which does have the possibility of spreading into her blood stream. All of my confidence began to be shaken. The fear welled up inside of me and I began to fight back the tears as I tried to absorb all I was being told. Then as quickly as the panic set in I became very calm, almost numb. I sat in silence and realized that this situation is much bigger than I am. I have no control over Ashley's recovery. I have no control over anything. This is not for me to try and control. I have to let go. I thought I was trusting God, but tonight I realized that I have to really trust Him. More than just trust, I have to believe that all things He allows to happen have a reason behind them. I can't just say that I trust Him. I HAVE TO TRUST HIM. Every moment of Ashley's life He has been in control of and tonight it is no different. He loves her and she is in the palm of His hand. He loves me too, and I think He has been waiting for me to climb into His palm with Ashley. I need to rest in Him when things get crazy, and I need to rest in Him when things are not crazy. I so desperatly want Ashley to be well, but I can't make this happen. I can love her, and I can hold her hand, and I can sing to her, and I can let her know that she will not suffer one moment of this alone, but only the Father can give her life. Only the Father can bring us peace as we watch her hurt and struggle. Only the Father can control this roller coaster that we are on. Tonight I find myself praying that the drug will work and fight against this infection, and I pray that I do not find myself letting go or climbing back out of the palm of His hand.