Afraid to Unpack
Ash and I are settling back into the PICU this evening, but we are afraid to unpack our things. I think we will just allow them to sit in the bags for a few days until we figure out what is going to happen. At least things are familiar to us down here and our friends are all still here with us. Those are the blessings I am finding here today. Ashley is still struggling to breathe and they have increased her oxygen this evening. I really wish we knew what we were battling against. They have begun a new round of 2 different super antibiotics just as a precaution. Sweet little Ashley is on so many things to keep her little body going .
Right now Ash is holding her Aunt Toni and they are busy watching Frosty the Snowman. This will be the first time Ash has ever seen it so we are a little excited. We are anticipating Ashley's Christmas tree arriving this week so we can't wait for it to get here. It is really beautiful. All of her ornaments are pink and silver and the lights on the tree are pink and white. She loves to watch them twinkle all night long. We love to celebrate Christmas!
I have decided to stop searching for answers and try to just go with the flow of Ashley's recovery. All of the searching has been exhausting and I'm not getting anywhere with it anyway. This is just my feeble attempt to keep trying to control what is taking place in her life. Someday I hope I really do get it and just sit back and allow Him to work in Ashley's life without her mom getting in the way. I know He forgives me each and every time I pick this up again. I don't know why He trusts me with her, I am just thankful that He does. Underneath all of this struggling I know there is a reason that we are still in the PICU. I have no idea what it is, I just believe there is one. As sick as Ashley is, she is still one of the strongest children in this unit and for that I am so grateful. I really had no idea how this recovery would go so to say that I am surprised that we are still in this place I guess isn't really true. We are walking an unknown path and everyone's experience with transplant is different. Ashley's gifted organs are working and they are not in rejection. This is a miracle that I am thankful for. She just has to learn to take in food with all of the larger, healthy organs squished in there next to her stomach. In His time I am sure she will grow strong and begin to eat again. His timing is just different than mine and that is o.k.
To try and pretend that I am not tired would just be a lie. Even with my faith in the One who is in control I still grow tired and weary. I wish that I did not, but the truth is that my spirit is tired. My heart feels disappointed at the steps we have taken backward, but it is still blessed. I honestly would not trade places with a single person I know. To have the privelage of holding this little one created by Him and created to be my daughter is worth every bit of this. I love her and I love that I am the one she will call mom.
Thank you for sticking this out with us. I know it is not easy to go along the path of recovery with us, but you are appreciated. We appreciate your prayers and your faithfullness. Take care and God bless.
posted by Ashley @ 5:44 PM
2 Comments:
Hello PICU!!!
We just left there and now we are in the TICU!!!
Really, how many ICU's can there possibly be?
I hate that we both get the great opportunity to find out!!!
Ivey will more than likely be here for a couple of more weeks. Ugh. If we were in the same hospital I would definately find you...and get some quality adult conversation, probably it would be about..you guessed it, PICU, TICU, nurses, doctors, medicines, our families and hopefully something besides all of that. I really don't remember the last conversation I had that didn't revolve around one of those topics. Do you? Even with friends I try to talk about something else; needless to say, my husband and I haven't had a good conversation about any thing other that Ivey's health in months it seems like.
Just know my heart is right there with yours. I am thinking of you. I am going to say this to you, eventhough I do not take my own advise, stop worrying and wondering why you were chosen. Look around, you will see so many people who would not handle this with the sytle and grace that you are. Many would choose not to 'handle' this at all. They would turn their backs and walk away. Sometimes I have to stop and remember that I am being given an opportunity to love more deeply than most will ever know. A opportunity to witness life, literally, at it's best. And, an opportunity to know other people, like you, who know true friendship and the value of family. There are so many blessings that rise up from this. Trust me when I say, I spend a lot of time on the other end thinking about the darker side of 'this'. That is what moms do. But we always pull it together for our children and they learn that from us.
Our internet has been down all day so I am just now getting to check on Ashley....I am so sorry that your move was so short lived, but God knows what is best for Ashley. I pray that you are able to continue giving your worries and fears back to Him when they come creeping back up on you. I am thankful that you are able to be back with your friends in the PICU....hopefully you will be able to lift each other up. I know the days are long and your body must be completely exhausted, but we will continue to pray for the strength you need to get through each and every day. I know you must be so excited that David and Blake are coming....We hope that things start looking up again soon. Much love and prayers.
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