Disappointment...
I can't help but be disappointed tonight. I am trying so hard to find meaning and understanding in the way things are going for Ashley. She is not able to eat. I just really don't get it. I am searching for answers but there just aren't any at this point. Ashley has been vomitting all night and has now had her feeds turned off completely. My heart is so hurt because I know that she has to be able to eat to survive. Something is just not right inside of her. Tonight I am so confused and have no way to help my daughter. All I do is just rock her and pray for her and hope that things will be different for her very soon. As much as I am trying to fight it off my heart is just simply disappointed. He has a reason, He has a plan, and He has the ability to make all of the difficulty go away. I believe these things with all of my heart. I am just waiting for answers.
I pray that tomorrow will be better. I pray that tomorrow the doctors may find a solution for Ashley. I pray that tomorrow we will avoid the operating room. I pray that He will continue to give Ashley and me strength. I pray that she will sleep peacefully through the night and that her nausea will go away. I pray that my disappointment will fade, and that my faith will be made strong. I pray that even though I don't have the answers I will still trust Him. I pray that all will someday be well for my youngest daughter. Tonight I will pray, and pray, and eventually pray myself to sleep.
posted by Ashley @ 10:44 PM
4 Comments:
I can't imagine going through the ups and downs with the strength and courage that you do every day. Know we are here for you praying. Remember, we are only human, the Father gave us all of our emotions so don't be ashamed that you are dissappointed....none of us are judging you for your emotions, I find myself disappointed when Ashley is having a rough day too. I think it makes your story even more touching that you are able to be totally honest about your feelings. My mother and I were talking, and we were saying how it is so touching to see that you are able to reveal your true feelings. So many people would only post the positive things, I think your story relates to and touches so many more people when you are able to be dissappointed, but at the very same time you still know how very blessed you are. He will see you through this, even though the road has been long and hard, we all know He is holding you in the palm of His hands. No one knows exactly what you are going through we just pray that God continues to get you through the days and nights until it is the right time for her to be well. Much love and prayers.
Trish,
I know you are so tired. I just want you to know, even though Ashley's now almost five weeks into her transplant, we're still praying fervently every day. As tiring as the lingering hours are the first couple of weeks, I can only begin to imagine how the novelty of "the roller coaster" is beginning to wear off and you just want to get off! (In your flesh, of course) But it's evident you've chosen to stay in His Spirit and we will be praying for spiritual strength as well as physical. Please know that your honesty has in no way shown doubt. It shows that God can be trusted in the darkest of hours. That if He can be trusted with the very life of your child, He can be trusted with anything. That He doesn't want you to be perfect and constantly happy (blessed are the poor in spirit, for they shall inherit the earth) but honest and willing to run to Him. And you have done that consistently. I'm so glad you have Ashley to get through this with you and she has you. We'll be praying for her breathing, as well as for her to receive her feeds and stay protected from all the germs. Plus we go over your past few posts each time and pray them line by line. I'm so glad you've gotten to hold Ashley lately. I hope she's feeling better so soon.
Trish,
What a day this was for you and little Ashley, going from happy anticipation to frustration and disappointment; from the mountain top down to the valley.
My prayer right now is that both you and little Ashley are resting and that you did fall asleep while still praying. He knows your heart, He knows all your concerns and He knows when you are weak.
Romans 8:25, NKJV:
"Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered."
So when you run out of words to pray the Holy Spirit takes over for you in interceeding and He hears all the many prayers of so many who are praying for little Ashley and your family. I'm praying that the vomiting stopped and that the feeds will NOT be stopped that the problems will be revealed and the solution made known.
I pray that you can take comfort in knowing that the prayers are ongoing and continue all through the hours every day. Sleep dear precious Ashley, sleep dear Trish.
Getting ready for the walk today. Praying for you & Ashley. I wish there was a simple solution to the feeding issues...(the formula...an allergy to its contents...gosh..I don't know) Guess that is why you have a wonderful medical team God placed your sweet Ash in their hands. Praying for each medical professional taking care of her ...for God to give them wisdom & help them to think outside the box ...to look at ALL possibilities for her not to accept the feeds & call in a consult if it is beyond their understanding. Praying God will put the person who will find the problem in Ashley's path very soon. That she will soon enjoy nutrition.... free from TPN....& begin feeding her new organs....growing...gaining strength...& healing. 2 Timothy "I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." This situation is beyond our understanding....oh how I wish we could make Ash better...but by our prayers....if it is God's will ...which I am believing it to be..... HE can heal her in HIS time not ours. Praying.
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