Her Heart...

Last night I met a mom of another transplant patient who had come back into the PICU because of a virus. While visiting with her I learned that her daughter was actually 3 weeks younger than my Ashley. The thing that amazed me the most was how big and strong this little one looked. She weighs 25 lbs. and is walking and talking. She had a full head of hair and I would have never guessed that the girls were the same age. As I relayed this information to Dave late last night my heart almost hurt as I realized how tiny my Ashley is. She doesn't walk or talk. She doesn't even crawl or sit up by herself. I found myself wondering how will we ever get there? It seems like Ashley's battles have been spent fighting other issues. We haven't even begun to tackle these other things.

Today as I sat in the waiting room waiting for that call, I saw this mom again. We began to visit a little more and my heart was so blessed as I realized what God was doing at this moment in my life. As I listened to her talk, I gained strength and support with each passing moment. How wonderful it was to see and feel the same way another mom's heart sees and feels. I was sharing with her how my heart pounds and how my hands shake as I watch the minutes tick by on the clock while they have my Ashley in surgery. Then she made a statement that seemed to put everything I have experienced into perspective for me. She told me that she had mentally prepared herself to bury her daughter 6 times now. As painful as that sounds it is exactly what I have been living but just too frightened to admit. She told me that she had come to realize that as much as she wanted to hold her baby that if God wanted to hold her more that it would have to be O.K. What strength she has, and what strength I instantly admired in her!

Tonight while my sweet Ashley Kate was drifting off to sleep it all came to me. It is so not about Ashley's health. It is only about her heart. It does not matter if she is crawling, walking, or talking. The only thing that matters is what is found inside of her heart. She was created to worship Him and to praise Him. If she never walks it will be alright. Look at how her life brings glory to the Father. She is doing exactly what He made her to do! Every moment of her life is a reflection of who He is and what He is doing. He made all of these precious children in this hall different. All of their roads will be different as they struggle for life, but the one thing they all have in common is that they were made in His image. It can't get any better than that. When my eyes begin to drift away from her heart and onto her health that is when I begin to stumble on this road. If only I could remember to see His purpose for Ashley and her struggles. If only I could remember that He is using her to change my heart and my life. She is doing more than just walking and talking. She is living according to what He has planned for her. That is what matters. Her heart is so very precious and so much more important than her health.

As I lay my head down to sleep tonight my prayer is that my heart and its "health" would reflect who He is too. I want my actions and my words to reflect what it is He has done and is doing. I want to keep my mind focused on taking care of the hearts of my family and let the rest just fade into the background. At the end of this road it is what He will find in our hearts that will matter. Nothing else will count for anything. Father, thank you for showing yourself to me today as I waited for my daughter to come back to me. Thank you for your willingness to constantly work in my heart and in my life. Thank you for your forgiveness and thank you for my youngest daughter's life that you are using to change my heart.