Forced to Face Reality

Today I came out of my Ashley's room and found myself standing face to face with the reality of the situation we are living in. How I wish I had not chosen to walk over to the desk to see what everyone was working on. As I stood and visited with some of the nurses while they were busy making posters to be hung around the unit for an evaluation tomorrow I began to read. In the beginning I did not recognize what the poster was. Then as I continued to read the names so beautifully drawn on this poster they began to become familiar to me. I did not have to ask what this poster was about. It was reality. It was created in memory of these children. The beautiful names on this poster were names of the children who had come into this unit over the last couple of years but did not make it out. As I stood there face to face with this list the pain in my heart began to swell. This is not what I wanted to think about today. I quickly walked away and told myself over and over again I did not want my Ashley's name to ever appear on that poster.

All day long I have fought an ugly battle that has been raging inside of me. I do not want to go down this path. I want our journey to end differently. I know the reality of my Ashley's situation. I know that transplant is not a cure. I know there are no promises to be made. I know that we have taken a chance, the only chance that we were faced with. I know for every child that does survive there are many, many more who do not. I know all of this, but I also know the reality of the power of the God that I believe in. I know that in all reality if He so chooses to give my Ashley life that there are no statistics that can take it away from her. I know that He brought us here to this center, and I know the He provided organs for her. This too is reality. Tonight I find myself clinging to the knowledge that my God is real and that He is in control of my daughter's life. As I walked away from the poster this morning I so desperately wanted to grab my baby and run out of here. I wanted to run so fast that the reality I saw on that piece of poster board would not be able to catch up with us, but in all "reality" I know that I can not change what He will decide for my Ashley. I can only do my best and I can only ask Him to allow her to live. In the end, in all reality, it is His choice and not mine.

As I lay my head down on the pillow tonight next to one of the 3 most beautiful things that has ever happened to me, I will try not to think about the reality of the statistics. I will instead close my eyes and talk to the Father who holds my Ashley's reality in His hands. I know He holds it gently and with much love, and I trust Him to do what is best for my Ashley. I trust that He loves her more than I can imagine. In all reality any number of days that I am given with my sweet Ashley Kate is a miracle that He has allowed me to be a part of. This is our "reality", and I pray that I never forget that her story is being written by Him and not me.