It is going to be OK

Tonight Ash and I have spent the evening playing and rocking until she finally decided she would like to go to sleep. As I cuddled with my pink bundle I felt an overwhelming peace and calm inside of me. I was looking at her "pudgy" (due to her new steroid) little face and enjoying everything about her when I realized that it was going to be ok. Whatever comes our way it is going to be ok. However the Father decides to write the next few weeks of Ashley's story it is going to be ok. It is going to be ok because I know that I can trust Him to do what is right.

"Do what is right no matter what. Always do the right thing and people will know you because of it. No one will ever be able to make accusations against you if you are known for doing the right thing." What a valuable lesson I was taught by my dad. It is this lesson that I learned so many years ago that helps me to thank the Father when times are tough. It is this lesson that helps me to give Him praise even when my heart is broken. It is this lesson that allows me to know that He is still good although things have not gone according to my plan. I will serve Him no matter what because it is what is right. Even when my hope is fading and my heart is confused by all that is happening in my Ashley's life He is still God and He is worthy of my praise. I don't know how to do this any other way.

I have come to realize over the last 14 weeks that our tiny Ashley and her story is so much bigger than just us. It reaches outside of our family and extends to places that only God could take it. I am learning to step back and allow it to go where He leads it. This has not been an easy thing for me. As a mom I wanted to keep all of these things inside of my heart. I did not want to share Ashley's life and her story with everyone else. I wanted to protect our family from any scrutiny that might come from others who may not understand just how wonderful she is. I did not wish to be judged for putting my family out in the open and for spilling my heart into this journal. I honestly wanted to keep her all to ourselves and just allow her to be our sweet Ashley. I am so grateful that God had other plans for her life. I would have missed out on so much. This journal has become a source of strength for me. It allows me to look at all the wonderful things God is doing in other people's lives while He is working in Ash's. She is a miracle and He is using her to change my heart and many others. No matter what happens and where He leads I have finally come to understand that it is going to be ok.

My heart may be hurting and I may be confused about what the future holds for my youngest daughter, but tonight I will rest in the knowledge that it is going to be ok.