Ramblings from my Sleepy Heart

Finally after many, many hours of sleep my headached has retired itself for a little bit. I am so very thankful for this. Hopefully I will be able to think clearly before it returns. Ashley and I have spent the day SLEEPING. It has been wonderful. You may be wondering why we would allow her to continue with her days and nights all mixed up, but can you believe that it is actually written in the orders for her to stay awake all night? I know what you are thinking, knowing Ash and how awnry she is this will be the night she chooses to sleep. I am bracing myself for it. They would like her to stay awake so that she will be very, very sleepy in the morning during her tests. The tests will last for 90 minutes and she needs to be still and asleep. They will be using some very light "sleepy medicine", but Ash usually only stays asleep for about 30 minutes on it. This should be very interesting.

The last couple of days have been very trying for me. I have struggled with the idea of taking Ash back into the OR for such a major surgery. This morning I learned that her liver(which is a little too large for her because she was so tiny at transplant) will have to be lifted out of the way in order to work on the esophagus. Something about this part of the surgery has me on edge. It makes me very nervous to think that we will be "messing around" with her new organs which have been working so well. I am praying that God will protect her organs and allow them all to go back into the right places.

I know that through Ashley's story I am being taught to really and truly trust God. Each day I see more and more that I am not able to sustain her life, or to bring healing to her, or to make her whole. It is only the God of the universe that will be able to do things in my Ashley's life. As I think about how it feels when they take Ash out of my arms for each and every procedure it makes me physically ill, but I am learning to rely on Him more and more with each one. I am learning to be more grateful for each good day we are given with her. I am learning to savor the moments when I rock her in the chair and whisper prayers of thanksgiving for this little one. I am learning to enjoy the little things that she can do. I am learning not to worry about tomorrow because I do not know if it will come. I am learning to live each day with her and not take it for granted. I am learning to have a grateful heart for the things He has done.

This afternoon I sat and rocked my Ashley and fell asleep with her in my arms. As I sat and thought about this journey we have been on for the last 17 months I cried. My heart was so full of gratitude. She is amazing and wonderful and beautiful and sweet and so very precious not only to me but to HIM. Although there have been tough times, the joy has outweighed the sorrow, and I would not trade one moment of her life for anyone elses. She is a gift and He gave her to us, and I will forever be humbled and grateful that she is mine. Trish