Searching

I find myself still searching. It seems as though I have been searching for answers for so many, many days now. I have searched for reasons, for understanding, and for help. Each time I end up looking inside of myself and searching my heart. I am desperately looking and asking for God to reveal in me the areas that I need to be working on.

There have been days when I felt that I needed to pray and found myself speechless. There have been days when my prayers seemed to ramble with no order or no clear thought. There have been days when my prayers have only consisted of two words, "God Please." Then there have been days when I have allowed all of you to carry us along with your prayers on our behalf. Today I am starting new(again). Asking Him to show me, to use me, to teach me, to carry me, to help me.

Although my Ashley has been feeling yucky for most of today she still has managed to make myself and others smile. There is just something about her that brings such a joy to those who know her. To be completely honest with you, I have been discouraged and depressed for most of today. Feeling as though we had no where else to turn, and then out of the blue He uses my Ashley to bring this all back into perspective for me. She woke from a long afternoon nap and as she laid there next to her baby in the mirror I watched her begin to play. (She really has no idea that her "best friend" she loves so much is actually just a reflection of herself.) She started out her playtime by clapping her hands. She then got tickled because she noticed her "friend" doing the same thing. She started smiling and her "friend" smiled back. She touched the top of her head and her "friend" did the same. This too caused another grin to come across their face(s). Next she clapped, then touched her head, then pulled on the probe that was taped to "their" cheeks. She became so excited at "their" play that she started kicking her feet and much to her surprise her "friend" had the very same pair of bunnies that she has. My heart was so blessed as I sat across the room from "them". In every circumstance that Ash finds herself in she manages to find joy. If she is sick and feeling yucky, she finds joy between the vomitting. If she is stuck on the ventilator, she finds joy by playing with her toys above the breathing tube. If she is feeling pain from enduring sticks and pokes, as soon as they stop, she manages to find joy and produces a smile. She is amazing. She inspires me to keep going even when I am discouraged. She forces me to dig deeper inside of myself and search for what I am supposed to be doing while we are here, what I need to be learning while we are here, who I need to be ministering to while we are here, and how I need to be serving Him while we are here.

As I continue searching inside of myself, I am praying that He will reveal new things to me. More ways that I can be a better person. More ways that I can be a stronger believer. More ways that I can be a truer friend. More ways that I can be a more loving wife. More ways that I can be a better example to my children. More ways that I can help my youngest daughter fight to live. Tonight I am searching, and when I think I have found what I am looking for I pray that He will deepen my search and show me who it is He wants me to be. How thankful I am for this little girl that He has given to me to love, to know, to learn from.