Its Not About Me
I'm having a difficult time tonight. Something inside of me wants to scream, "I dont want to be here anymore!" I know how very ugly that must sound, and it feels ugly too. It just seems like we have been here forever. This Tuesday will be 15 weeks since Ashley and I have been home. I would have never dreamed that after this many weeks we would still be in the PICU. I have no idea when we will be able to leave, but it feels like it will never come. We are all feeling a little discouraged after finding out that Ash is going to have to endure another operation. Then she will start all over and we will begin trying to get her to heal. I pray that this will be the answer and that soon afterward we might be allowed to leave. If only we could make it to the apartment. I think that would at least make us feel as though the day would come that would bring us home.
Speaking to Dave tonight I can tell that he is also feeling discouraged. Things have been really hard since Christmas. I guess it just felt so good to have all of us in the same place, and now it seems to hurt even more that we can't be together. It is very difficult to keep a marraige going from 700 miles away. I am so thankful we are not just spouses but that we are friends. I think he is doing such a fabulous job with the kids. He just came back from spending the weekend with Allie at her cheerleading competition. There aren't too many dads that would actually enjoy doing that, but he told me about how much fun it was and how nice it was to have time with just Al. Tonight Allison is practicing her painting and he is her official assisstant. His job is to hold the palet, wash the brushes, re-fill the colors, make the drinks, and too make sure they have a snack while she is working. Basically he is there to do whatever the "artist" needs done while she creates another masterpiece. I told him what a wonderful father I thought he was and he told me that he sure hopes to be. I love that his daughter is his priority. He could be watching football or reading a book or working while she was left in the other room, but he would rather spend his evening making a memory with our Allison. I love him for that. Blake is still away from home for another night since he is out of school tomorrow. He is definitely growing up and he loves to hang out with his friends. I am so grateful that God has provided him with some great guys to grow up with. I know he has really enjoyed himself this weekend.
If I didn't know better than to think that this was all about me then I would tell you that; I don't want my Ashley to be sick anymore. I don't want to live apart from Dave, Blake, and Al. I don't want to stay in this hospital another day. I don't want to miss out on Allie's cheerleading competitions. I don't want to go 3 days without speaking to my son. I don't want to spend another night away from my husband. I don't want Ashley to endure another operation. I don't want her to struggle. I don't want to live in Omaha, NE. That is the ugliness in me, but my heart knows better than that. My heart knows that this is about giving Ashley the best possible chance at life. This is about allowing her to live. This about me conducting myself in a way that my family would be proud to call me their daughter, sister, wife, and mother. This about me being a good example to my children. This about learning to be selfless. This is about a willingness to be used by the Father. This is about ministering to those around me. This about doing what is right. This is about learning how to depend on God. This is about loving my Ashley and giving her my best. This is about HIM and not ME. This is about my faith and what He calls me to do. This is about trying to bring my Ashley home to her family so that she will grow up being surrounded by those who love her. This about showing my children that it may not always be easy to serve God, but it is definitely worth it. This is about allowing Ashley's story to be written by His hand and not mine. This is so NOT ABOUT ME.
Even though my heart aches and my tears fall, I know that I am never alone. I know that I have family and friends and a Father who will cry with me on the hard days and rejoice with me on the good ones. This is my calling. I am called to be a mom. I pray that I am doing it well. I know that I am giving it my best. I know that each of you would do the same for your daughters as well. Thanks for loving me even when the ugliness spills out. I am blessed and I know that this is not about me. Good night and may the Father bless you. Trish
posted by Ashley @ 8:42 PM
5 Comments:
Please do not get down on yourself. I have commented once before about my daughters stay in the hospital in Boston. Although they were some of the nicest people in the world, I was so far away from home. I am from Alabama and Boston was like another country. I got to a point that I wanted to just run away and at times I just wanted to come back when she was better to pick her up. Reading that sounds just terrible and I am embarrassed to have even thought that, much less actually told others but I got through it. Just keep in mind that you are there fighting for something that you dearly love. That little girl doesn't understand what is going on around her, all she knows is that she can depend on you. I can just imagine that little face lighting up when you walk in a room or when she wakes from her nap and looks over and sees your smiling face. Keep that and treasure it forever!!
You are in my thoughts and prayers and keep your chin up.
Amanda D.
I can't believe how long it has been since we last posted, but know that we are continually checking on and praying for you guys. I know how very hard it must be to be away from the people you love the most....
Father, we just want to lift up this family to You tonight. I know they are having a hard time being so far apart, but we thank You for the friendship that David and Trish have....we know their time apart is hard, but we pray that they will continue giving all their worries and fears to You. We pray that You coninue giving David the strength to keep things running here while Ashley and Trish are in Omaha. We pray for Trish's continued strength. We thank You for her testimony and witness to all who surround her. Your love shines through in her. We pray that Ashley's story to continues touch lives all over the world....we want them to see You in this. Thank You for all You have already taught us, and all we are still to learn. We love You Father. In Your Precious Name we Pray, Amen.
Trish, you are not being ugly, you are just being human. And you know what? Your feelings don't surprise God at all--he made us girls to be emotional people, and He is big enough to handle it all. So don't be afraid to tell Him about it! He's not going anywhere, and He's ready to pick you back up after you finish throwing it all out. Hang in there! I can only imagine how hard it must be, but you are so blessed to have the super husband that you have to walk with you through this, even if from so far away. I know many husbands would not be that way. There are lots of us praying you through this. Try not to look too far ahead, or it may all overwhelm you. God will give you grace enough for today, so take it one step at a time. Love in Christ, Karen
Of course you don't want to be there anymore. Nobody would ever want or choose to have their child in a hospital for 15 weeks. It is okay to not desire that and to wish and pray "Please God, let us out of here!" That doesn't mean you don't accept that valley..... it just means that you hope for something more, which is human... AND it makes God able to serve you and love you. By screaming those words, you are sharing your burdens with us and you are giving your hurting heart over to the Lord. He wants to hear your heartache... He knows, more than you do, how much you don't want to be in that hospital room. By screaming that, you are venting your broken heart to the One who can mend it.... He already knows your words, my dear. He already hears the screams of your heart. And we (I) do not judge you for these words.... it does not make you any less Godly in my eyes.... any less seeking of His will. You are human, and with that comes human emotions. Honey, go easy on yourself, you have a sick child. Cry out if you need to cry out.... we are here to listen and support you through those hard times... and most importantly of all, God hears you and does not judge you for having these feelings. HE understands more than anyone else ever could.
MUCH love to you today.
Trish, my heart aches for you and I know the Father knows exactly how you feel. You are fulfilling your calling as a mother in a great way and I know the Lord is pleased with you and how you handle it all. I find myself telling others all the time just how strong and amazing you are and I know that strength can only come from our great and mighty creator Himself! He loves you with an undying love. He will ALWAYS be right there with you - He will never leave you nor forsake you; not even for a moment. My prayers will not stop - I'm praying for your comfort and peace of mind daily. Please give beautiful little Gherkin a huge hug from her Grandma. I love you both so very much!
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