Time to Think and Dream

One thing that I have had plenty of the last 3 and half months is time. I sit day after day and watch the minutes tick by on the clock. I spend much of that time playing with Ashley. I spend some of that time reading. I spend some of it praying, but a lot of that time is spent thinking and dreaming of who Ashley will become. To be honest with you a few of the dreams that I had always held in my heart for the child that God would bring to us have died, but they have been replaced with bigger things, more precious things. Things that I believe He wants for my Ashley to do instead.

I don't recall if we have ever shared with you this part of our story or not so please forgive me if I am repeating a chapter or two. One day during the spring before my Ashley was born I sat visiting with a friend. We were talking about our(mine and David's) heart for adoption. She asked me a very important question. "What are your absolute NOs for this child and for your family." At first I really didn't understand what she meant by the question. She went on to explain that this was something we needed to decide between ourselves. Did it matter where the child came from? Did the history of the child matter to us? Did we have a racial preference? Did we want a boy or a girl? What age were we interested in? We needed to know what our limitations were. Was there a situation that we would not be able to handle? I had never even considered these things before. All I knew is that I was willing and desperately asking to parent another child if it were in God's will for our lives. I went home and talked it over with Dave for a couple of weeks before we decided that there was only one thing that we did not feel equipped to handle. My answer to my friend was this, "We would probably not be the right parents for a medically fragile child." Not because we wouldn't love them, but because of our limitations. In all of the years that I dreamed of my Ashley and prayed for my Ashley it never one time came across my mind or my heart that she might be a medically fragile child. I had big dreams of holding this little one. I had big dreams of the day we would bring her home from the hospital. I had big dreams for watching her learn to roll over and crawl and walk and talk. I had big dreams of throwing a huge reception to introduce our gift to all. I had big dreams of watching my Blake and my Allie growing up with our new bundle. I had big dreams of sitting back and seeing all that this child would do in it's lifetime. I had big dreams, and I shared them with the Lord never one time imaging that our baby would not be born a healthy child. After answering my friends question I never gave it a second thought that God would have exactly what I thought I could never do in mind for me, but I am so thankful that He did.

Like I said earlier some of the dreams that I held in my heart did die, and some of them were altered just a little bit. Many of them I am scared will never come to pass for Ashley, but God has replaced them with bigger dreams. Some of the things that I dream for my Ashley are silly. Things like going on her first date with her Daddy(just like Allie did), and others of them bring me to my knees. Things like growing up to be the one to tell her own story. What a big dream this has become for me. I don't know if she will ever become old enough to stand before a crowd and share of the miracles that He has done in her life, but I sure do dream about it. Many of the dreams I have for Ashley include the shaping of her character. I believe that her experience as a transplant patient will mold her in many ways. I dream for her to have strength, to be determined, to be disciplined, to be grateful, to be appreciative, to be resolved, to be respectful, to be humble, to be healthy, to be happy. I dream of each of these things being placed inside of her heart. God has given her an amazing oppportunity to touch people's lives and change hearts. I dream of her being used by Him.

After Ash was born and we were facing piles and piles of medically fragile possiblities that she could have or develop, the one thing that David and I prayed for most was this; We wanted her to be able to give and receive love. Thats it. Nothing else mattered. If God would only allow her to know that she was loved, and if only she could love us back. This became our dream, and I will be the first to share with you that dreams really do come true. As I sit and rock this baby girl who I know loves me with all of her heart, I pray that she will grow up knowing how very much she is loved. This has become one of the dreams I am holding in my heart for her. I would like for her to see how much we love her, how much all of you love her, and how much He loves her. I spend many, many days thinking and dreaming in our room here in the PICU, and I know without a doubt that she has more than fullfilled the dream that I had held for so many years inside of my heart. I could have never dreamed He would give us someone so wonderful to call our child. I am so thankful His plan for our family included this medically fragile child. She is amazing and we are blessed.