I'm not CRAZY, I'm just a MOM!

I'm not crazy. I'm just a mom who may seem a little crazy when her children are hurting. I don't mean to appear that way, it just happens because I want to keep them from being hurt. That's my job. I'm just a mom.

Today has been long and difficult. We originally went down to surgery at 1:00 this afternoon and we have just now returned to our room in the PICU. I think it is 6:30. Putting Ashley down to have the breathing tube placed took a very long time. Once the tube was placed it had a very large air leak so it had to be removed and then replaced with a tube that included a cuff that could be inflated to keep it from leaking. Once the doctor began to do his work it only took another hour and 1/2. The feeding tube was successfully placed although it took a lot more maneuvering than expected because of her difficult anatomy. She did come off of the breathing tube in the recovery room but is now requiring 3 liters of oxygen.

In the recovery room is where I am afraid they began to get the idea that I was a little crazy. Ashley was given NO pain medication before, during or after the procedure. This was making me crazy! Ashley is on scheduled withdrawal medications that are given to her every 4 and 6 hours to help her wean off of the heavy narcotics she was placed on during her heart episode. They were due to be given during the periods that we were in surgery and recovery. When Ash came into recovery she had missed both doses, had been manipulated in surgery, had been placed on a ventilator, and was feeling very, very uncomfortable. The discomfort was causing her difficulty breathing. She had chest retractions and nasal flaring and was then placed on oxygen. I am getting crazier by the minute, because I can see that this is not a respiratory issue this is a pain control issue. The recovery nurses response to me was this, "You know this is not a painful surgery to have done. I don't think she really needs anything." In my mind I am trying to control my thoughts but I am thinking, "OH, REALLY? How many times has it been done to you?" So I then tell her, "Ash has a Tylenol order on her med sheet. Could we please just give her some to maybe take the edge off?" Would you like to know what she said to me? Here goes, "It would take me a really long time to figure out what the dose would be for someone this small. I just don't usually take care of little ones like this." Do you think she tried to figure it out to help my sweet baby? NO, she didn't. So I am biting my tongue so as not to lose my testimony. Then they decide to check a blood sugar. Why? I think because of the stress a procedure puts a person under. They try to draw from her two open lumen and for some reason during the surgery they have both clotted off. They agree to take it from the third. It is greater than 500. They must poke her little heel. This makes me CRAZY, because I KNOW how bad it hurts. I'm just a mom and it is my job to protect my children from pain. I know it is necessary, but I am still upset. The nurse looks at me and says, " This is no big deal, some patients have to be poked every hour every day of their lives." AND? I am sad for them, but that does not make it any less painful for my Ashley who is already in a lot of pain. I am starting to cry by this point because I just want to leave recovery and come back to our floor where the nurses know my Ashley and they love her. At least when they have to do something to her that causes her pain they care. They talk to her and try to ease her discomfort. Eventually we are finally released and allowed to come back to the PICU where they have to take more blood sugars to confirm the value. It is over 500. Why? We are not sure, but we think it is because she was under so much stress from the discomfort that they did nothing to try and control. Thankfully they have agreed to check it every 4 hours rather than every hour throughout the night. Ash is finally resting more comfortably because our nurses gave her the meds she needed and also gave her something to control her level of pain. The good thing about my experience with the recovery room is this: As if I COULD have any higher level of respect for these pediatric intensive care nurses it has gone up. I am thanking the Father for the care that these precious women give to not only my daughter but to me. They have allowed me to cry as they worked to settle my Ashley in. They listened as I explained to them how it feels to be told by a young girl who has never been a mommy that my childs pain is NO BIG DEAL. They listened to me tell them how it feels to be made to feel as though you really ARE crazy.

Ash will hopefully sleep through tonight. She has been through a lot today. I am praying that by morning she will be that smiley, happy, giggly, baby that I took down to surgery this morning. I am not crazy. I am just a mom, and when one of my children hurts it makes me crazy.

God is still good to me even though He may think I am crazy too. I often wonder if He is scratching His head and thinking perhaps He should have chosen somebody else. I am trying. I promise. I am trying to keep my emotions under control. I am trying to not act crazy. I am trying to keep my testimony in tact even though there are days like today when I feel like I am going crazy. I just keep telling myself that He chose me for a reason. I may never know what it is, but I am more than thankful that I get to be the one to be her mommy.

I'm really not crazy. I'm just her mom. Thanks for praying for her today. Still hoping this will be that last surgery and that she will now be able to eat.