Confessing

So today is the day that I am forcing myself to confess. This is something that is not easy for me to do, but after my display of inability to think clearly this morning I feel that it is necessary. I am ready to put it out there, to admit it, and to work on it.

Let me explain(although I made those who were witness to it swear they would not tell). I have yet to tell Dave what actually happened, but now I suppose he will read this and figure out how I solved my problem. This morning I ran into town to grab a lunch for the kids and drove it out to their school. I turned off the car and left the keys in the ignition then ran inside to the office to drop off the food. I visited for a brief moment with the secretary who happens to be an old friend from years past and then said, "It was good to see you. Have a great day." Then I was out the door and in the car ready to start it up and go to the house to meet with another contractor(which is a whole other story). I tried to turn the key and got NOTHING. I tried to remove the key from the ignition, NOTHING. I wiggle the key, still NOTHING. I wiggled the steering wheel, NOTHING. I sat for a moment, contemplating tears because the last thing I want to deal with is a broken down car, and tried to start the car again. Still NOTHING. What is going on? How can my car refuse to give me the keys from the ignition? I don't understand. So instead of crying I do what any wife would do. I called my husband. Car problems definitely fall under my list of reasons for being married. He is with patients and very busy and has no time for my car issue. "Help, me!", I cried. "There is no way I can leave the office and drive out there right now. You will just have to figure it out.". "I can't!", I cried, and then decided to tell the girls in the school office that my car was broken down, in front of the school, blocking the doors so the children would not be able to line up for car pool and all other cars would have to go around because my husband told me ,"To figure it out on my own." They look at me and ask, "did you wiggle the key? did you wiggle the steering wheel?" "Yes," I cried. I don't understand what is wrong with it." Their next question seemed totally ridiculous to me. "Did you put your car in park before coming in?" I roll my eyes, "Of course, I did. Didn't I? Wouldn't it be rolling away if I hadn't?" One of the ladies decides to come outside and try to help me wrestle the Explorer for my keys. I open the door, look down and realize what I had done. "Is it in park?", she asks. How do I answer this question? I shake my head, tell her no it is not in PARK, and try to explain that I guess I am just really tired from our trip to Dallas yesterday. She gives me a sympathetic hug, all the while doubting my ability to parent my three children and no doubt my license to drive if I can't remember a simple thing like putting the car in park before exiting it.

So away I drive in tears,laughing hysterically at myself at what I have become over the past two years, and asking God, "Are you sure you picked the right person to take care of Ash? Because lately I think I am failing miserably."

I am here to confess to the world that I am mentally exhausted and very tired. I need to figure out how to revive my self, my spirit, my common sense. I guess Dave will now know how dumb I really am and hopefully he will get a good laugh at my panicked phone conversation with him this afternoon and will forgive me for thinking, "Why did I marry him if he can't come rescue me from my own Explorer?"

Thankfully Ash is still too young to realize that I have lost my ability to sensibly reason things out. She just looks at me, grins, shakes her head like she understands and loves me anyway. She is having a good day despite her moms mental status. She seems to have handled the chemo well so far. She has rested well, played well, and laughed a lot today. I am so thankful for the good days He gives her. She is so wonderfully sweet and even if I am losing my mind, I think she is definitely worth it.